Here We Are Again

So yet again I am in that place where he is ignoring me, despite the fact he always promised me he never would. A sone came on my Pandora this morning that just made me think about our relationship, as friends, or whatever we try to be:

Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder

what I am to you

Sometimes that way that I act makes me angry

to be part of the things you do

 

I related to these words in such a huge way and realised that this is our relationship. The way he acts makes it so unclear to me as to what I mean to him. One minute he wants to talk to me and tells me he can't control himself around me. That I am his weakness. But then when I offer to walk away and leave him to get on with his life he says he doesn't want that. However, he will go days at a time without talking to me, ignoring my messages, and just acting like he doesn't care how I feel at all. I just don't get it! It used to upset me, but thank goodness, it is finally making me mad!

 

Then there are the things I do to feel like I am still a part of his life. I don't even want to list them on here, but I know that there are plenty of stupid things I have gone out of my way to do to feel like I am still a part of his life, which really, I'm not. I need to make my life about me, and thankfully, I am finally starting to do that with the help of a few new things in my life.

 

Number 1 - I am moving! Apart from some recent drama over my move date and the fact that I will technically be homeless for two weeks, I am still so excited to get moved into my new place. A place to call my own and make my own! It's tiny which means it won't take a lot to make it feel cozy! I bought a rug for the living room this weekend and some curtains and things. I am going to hold off on buying anything else until I know exactly what I need and where its all going to go. But I am so ready to be my own person again and be finished with the whole roommate crap!

 

Number 2 - I am teaching a lot this winter! I was originally teaching Sac Open and Acton-Boxborough. But this weekend I was asked if I wanted to help out with the World guard too. What an honor, to be asked to help teach a World Class colourguard. I am so excited to be working with them! So I am going to incredibly busy doing something I love, a reason to wake up on my otherwise empty and lonely weekends.

 

Number 3 - A potential new relationship on the horizon. I have told you about a reconnection with someone from my past who, at the time, I never even really spoke to. But recently we have been speaking a lot and we have grown pretty close. Unfortunately he lives in Pennsylvania, but that may actually work to my advantage. I know what I am like when I really like someone new. I can get pretty heavy, pretty fast and this usually scares them away. Being 6 hours apart is going to limit just how close we can get for right now. Hopefully this is something both of us can be serious about, but we will see. For right now I am just excited to spend the day with him in a couple of weeks and get to know him all over again. If it goes anywhere after that then that would be really nice, but I know it's a tall order for both of us to commit to something as long distance as Pennsylvania to Massachusetts. So we will see. But for right now it is definitely putting a smile on my face.

 

So there is life after him! As much as I would like my life to include him in some way, I cannot continue fighting for a friendship that he isn't prepared to work for as well. I need to back away and just let things work themselves out on there own. It's tough, but I deserve better than what he is willing to give right now.

Decision Time

I need to make my mind up about what I want to do this winter. Do I want to commit to marching and subject myself to the pain and financial hardship, give up all my weekends, but in the end achieve something amazing? Or do I accept that my marching days are over and spend my winter teaching the activity that I love. I am stuck between two great options. There are pros and cons to both. If I decide to march I am going to have to physically change a lot and subject my body to a lot of stress. I thought I would be ok, but this weekend proved that I am not in the same physical shape as I used to be. Also, the activity as a whole has progressed a lot since the days that I marched. It is a lot more dance and movement orientated, and whilst I know how to, I just don't know if my body can keep up with my brain anymore. I am not going to lie, I am in some considerable pain from this past weekend. Also the financial commitment is a lot. I have been told to expect dues of around $1400 and that really just isn't possible for me right now. Money is tighter than ever, thanks to some silly friverlous spending in recent months. I need to tighten my purse strings, not be committing myself to more pay outs. Finally, there is the time commitment. Every weekend between now and march besides three I would be at practice all weekend! If this new friendship/potential relationship/whatever it might be in PA is going to have any chance of going anywhere then committing all my time and funds elsewhere is probably not a good idea. I wouldn't be able to teach as much as I would like to, and any trips to go and see him would be impossible!

So if I don't march there are a lot of plusses. I would have some time at weekends to still have a social life. I would just continue to teach the open guard and also the high school guard. This would mean my only regular weekend rehearsal time would be Sunday evenings. Then three rehearsals during the week with the odd weekend camp for either guard. This would still give me my fill of colourguard and would allow me to still be creative, but without spending all that money and destroying my body in the process.

I think I have pretty much answered my own question here. As much as I really wanted to march this year it just seems financially and logistically impossible. I am old haha and my body is giving out. In terms of people in general I am in pretty good shape I would say. I am active, I enjoy exercising and adventure, but in terms of what is required to march a season with a World class colourguard, I just don't think I can handle it. I don't want to feel like a quitter, but there are just so many things working against me on this one.

Excited Feeling

I haven't felt this way for a while, and as much as the feeling is really nice, I am also terrified! I kinda met someone. Well actually I re-met someone. Someone who, 9 years ago, was in the same drum corps as me. I always remember him from back in those days. I remember thinking he was cute but at the time I was shy and also swept up in a summer romance with someone else. Since the end of that season we haven't been in contact, until recently, when through someone else I knew, I added him to FaceBook. We started talking and exchanged numbers and for the last week or so have been texting back and forth a lot. And when I go to PA for Columbus Day we are planning to hang out. Then he has said he would like to come up here at the end of October. I really like talking to him and he seems like an awesome guy. He has all the attributes that I look for. I feel like I am falling for him already, and from what he has told me, he likes me a lot too. He has told me on a number of occassions he wish he had spoken to me before and that I should move back to PA. I love the way it feels right now, but I am nervous. I have been in situations like this before and always ended up hurt and dissapointed. I am trying to be smart about everything this time. But right now, after recent events with the other person in my life, it's nice to finally feel genuinly excited about someone else.

This weekend I was hoping to see the other person in my life right now. I really want to be cool with the whole friendship thing. I am past hoping for anything more now, finally! Saturday we were supposed to hang out and going to a beer festival in Plymouth. But of course, as I almost certainly knew he would, he let me down. He said it was out of his control, but I don't know if that is true or not. Some friends of his decided they wanted to go. My problem is, if he really was cool with us just being friends then he would have been able to tell his friends he already had plans and wouldn't have blown me off for them. But of course, as I am his secret friend, he couldn't do that for risk of suspicion! It makes me so angry!!! Then we have spoken both nights and of course the innuendos came flowing freely from him. Last night I was just tired of it so I told him I was going to sleep! I'm not going to be that to him. I sincerely thought I meant more than that to him, but I'm starting to feel otherwise. If that's really the only reason he wants me in his life then I am not interested in being his friend. I am glad now that rather than feel upset with all this I am finally getting mad at him! I am better than that!

So here's to a good week. I am a little confused over my emotions right now but feeling better than I have been in recent weeks. So I plan just to ride the wave for right now and see what happens. Lots going on for me right now so I just need to live in the moment for a bit and enjoy it.

Therapy

I have been exploring a few different options recently to help my mental state. I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now and last night's appointment went really well. We ended up talking about a lot of things, but the main points of coversation became my parents and my on off relationship with him. It was good to talk to someone who wasn't there to judge me, and although I did feel like the things I was saying sounded pathetic and childish, they are the issues I am working through right now and for that reason it was good to talk about them.

I have also been to a couple of ACA meetings. ACA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dis-Functional Families. It is a group which understands that learned behaviours of children who grew up in a family like that often stay with us when we are older and we learn that this is the only method of survival. It affects all aspects of our adult lives from forming relationships to fear and isolation. All the traits are so similar to the way I am and live my life that I thought it would be a perfect way to try and deal with my issues. I have been to two meetings so far and intend to go when I can. Unfortunately the one I would like to go to is on Sundays and rehearsals will most definitely get in the way of that soon.

I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I am ok with that. We have made plans to speak tonight but whether he will remember or not is another question. A part of me wants to speak to him and a part of me doesn't. I want to be ok with just the friendship deal as I had started to become before last week but I don't know if I will be. Also we had made provisional plans to see each other on Saturday. He said he won't be able to let me know for sure until around 5pm that day, and I have a pretty strong feeling he will find a reason that he can't make it. But seeing as he suggested it in the first place I would hope that he wouldn't back out. It would be so good to see him, especially as I just want to make sure we can be friends. The last time we met for a drink was great, until we went back to his truck. I could have walked away at any minute, but he took things too far and then freaked out and backed off. I definitely do not want that to happen again! I love him, but I will not be a part of an affair. If he wants any part of me he has to have all of me or nothing at all. So we will see if he bails on Saturday.

I have reconnected with a few guys from my past recently. One of them in particular that I really liked a lot. I met him back in December, right after the whole disaster happened with my married guy, so the wounds were very fresh. It meant that I didn't really even give him the time of day. We went on two dates and didn't even kiss until the second one. I wasn't emotionally available, and that coupled with my crazy school schedule meant that nothing ever came of it. I then moved up here and we haven't really spoken much since. But recently we have been speaking a little and I came to realise that if I had just given it a chance I think something nice may have come of it. Of course, not I live in Massachusetts and he lives in Pennsylvania, so any hope of rekindling anything is pretty slim. But I have told him that I plan to head back to PA a couple of times before Christmas and when I do he said he would love to hang out. So we will see. It would be nice to see him. He is a great guy, well-rounded, with a good head on his shoulders. He has a good job and owns a house, both things that I find attractive.

Reconnecting with him, amoungst other great guys from my past has made me realise just how much time I have wasted on a guy who doesn't know what he wants. He needs to figure it out, because I feel soon I will make up his mind for him and I will be lost to him forever!

Feeling Used!

I hate that I let this happen and I wish I had a defense mechanism that stopped it from happening, but after a meeting I went to for ACA last night I finally know why it might keep happening and maybe even eventually through the help of the program I may be able to train myself to avoid it.

But let's back up a bit and let me tell you about my latest issue! This time rather than feeling upset and hurt I am more mad so maybe I am changing without even realising it. Wednesday night I spoke to him. We had been planning to speak for a few days, just in the friendship way that we have slotted into, which I was doing absolutely fine with. We spoke about the business idea I had been working on and then I mentioned that I was going on the tree top adventure Saturday. He said that him and a friend were thinking of doing that too. So after we got off the phone I texted him our start time. The conversation then continued and it ended up with him telling me that we may be able to hang out next weekend at the Dogfish Head event at the BBC in Plymouth. He made a point of telling me it would be nice to have some "pretty" company and good beer. Of course this to me is him basically telling me he still thinks about me in that way and the flirting began. I knew I had to stop it so I avoided all his advances pretty well and we said good night. The next night he texted me again, I knew this time he was home and his wife would have been there. He told me he was chilling out in the basement. He started flirting again and again I did my very best to change the subject. Even after I said good night he continued to text me. The next night we texted briefly and then nothing all weekend. He hasn't responded to any of my messages. I feel like I was just being used last week now and that he wanted my attention, but now that I was getting used to us talking again on a regular basis he starts ignoring me! I have no idea why. I also don't know if we are going to get to see each other Saturday. Of course, even just the idea of seeing him gets me beyond excited, but I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. He will almost definitely find some reason that he can't make it. In fact, he probably knew he wouldn't be able to make it when he suggested it to me. If I do get to see him Saturday it will be nothing short of a miracle, but of course, because of my mental state I am clinging onto that hope. PATHETIC!!!!! And I am so angry at myself for letting him slip back into my mind and my heart!

Last night I went to a meeting of ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dis-functional Families. I was really nervous about sharing my story, but everyone there was so helpful. There is another meeting tonight that I think I might try and get to, this one is in Andover which is a little closer to me. It's a free service so I guess I should take advantage of it. Just that feeling of knowing I'm not alone is so helpful right now. It is a 12 step program and I have been warned the 12 steps are difficult. So eventually I will have to face my fears. But right now I just feel good knowing there are other people out there, some a lot worse off that me, who are in the same boat as me. I'm not a freak, I am just sick from a disease given to me by my parents.

If anyone who reads this, and I don't know if anyone does, but this if anyone has the same issues as me this link really helped me out:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/

What Will Be Will Be

I need to get back into the thinking pattern I was in before this weekend. I was feeling pretty good about everything. And then a weekend of talking to him and having my feelings crushed all over again sets me back into this spiral of depression. I know things are not good in his life and all I can do is just get on with my own life and leave his up to fate. If he ends up on his own then maybe we will end up where we should have been in the first place, but by that point maybe I would have met someone even better! You never can tell what tomorrow will bring. I need to start living for the moment. Too much time spent thinking about what could have been and regretting things I cannot change. I need to spend more time focussed on the here and now, and make my life something to jump out of bed for every morning. The only person who can do that is me :)

Greast Weekend....... But Now I Must Not Slip!

This weekend with my Dad was actually a lot better than I was thinking it might be. My Dad and I have an odd relationship. Despite the fact he was absent for such a huge part of my life he knows me better than anyone, and can get things out of me that no one else can.

So Thursday I picked him up, late of course thanks to stupid Boston traffic! We went to dinner and then turned in. Friday I had to work for a bit and then we just went into Boston for a late lunch/early dinner. Nothing to adventurous, just a nice walk around town. Saturday morning we went for a classic American diner breakfast and then headed back into the city. We did the tourist thing, including the Duck Tours which was a lot of fun!! Then dinner by my Dad's hotel and then an earlish night. Sunday we headed down to the Cape. It was so nice to go down there but also pretty difficult. The one of which I have done so well not to think about lately knew I was coming down and in the morning text me and told me to let him know when we would pass by where he worked. He kept contacting me, eager to find out when we would be driving past. I tried really hard not to let it distract me, but then as we stopped in at a park in his old home town of Brewster and I realise that I think this is the place he got married. It was tough to not think about him then. We drove through Eastham where he works and I managed to completely miss the fire station, which was probably a good thing. We headed up to Provincetown and had a walk around and a couple of drinks. It was nice and I gradually started to forget about him again. But then on the way back he waited outside his work and I saw him as we drove past. He specifically wanted me to let him know when we drove past so he could stand out there and wave. This is what I don't understand about him. We haven't really spoken for a few weeks now, not like we used to. And then when I am down there, he is insistant that he see me for a few seconds, although when I suggest stopping in to say hi he tells me not to. I just do not get it and it gives me that false sense of hope that he really wants to be with me. Grrrr I hate it! Anyways, that night he called and we chatted for a while, I was still doing pretty good at protecting my feelings by that point. It wasn't until I suggested we talk in a week or so and he said he would be around Tuesday to talk. I wonder why he is so desperate to talk to me again so soon, rather than after a week as we have been recently. Then yesterday he sends me a picture of himself. I was so surprised because I thought pictures were a no no now after what supposedly happened. Again, just like his wife's pregnancy back in November, I'm starting to think that she never really saw those pictures, something just doesn't add up. I think, again, like back in November, he realised things had gone too far and he needed a reason to stop talking to me, but he didn't want it to sound like it was his doing. I don't really know anymore. But all day yesterday he is texting me to find out how I am liking the Allagash Brewery where we went to take the tour. It was like old times when we would talk a lot. But then, all of a sudden, the texts stop because I know he is home, and I am left to feel like crap again. It kinda put a real downer on my last two days with my dad. I cannot escape this guy. I love him with all my heart, and my heart breaks even when I feel like I have done pretty good at getting past it all. August was probably the hardest month of all this, and I made it through the other side and felt ok. And now this weekend he has attempted to destroy all that and work his way back into my life again. It crushes me because this puts us back so far! It just feels like the early part of this year all over again, when I had started to move on and then I get dragged back. The last time started around St Patrick's Day, and it started off pretty much like this. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just wich he would see me so we can talk this out once and for all and he would make up his mind. But I don't see that happening somehow. He doesn't want to face it.

So my Dad is leaving today. I have to take a long lunch and drop him at the airport. A part of me wishes I was going too, escaping as I have so many times, to a different life. But I have to stop running. I am never going to find what I am looking for if I keep giving up every time it gets difficult. If only I hadn't had to "run" home back in 2004 maybe I would be happily married to the man of my dreams, instead of someone else getting to raise his child and bare his last name. That's what crushes me the most!

I can get past this, I have and I will again and again. I have the feeling deep down that if I just wait long enough everything will work out the way it is supposed to be. No love can be this strong and things seem this right and go un answered!