I hate that I let this happen and I wish I had a defense mechanism that stopped it from happening, but after a meeting I went to for ACA last night I finally know why it might keep happening and maybe even eventually through the help of the program I may be able to train myself to avoid it.
But let's back up a bit and let me tell you about my latest issue! This time rather than feeling upset and hurt I am more mad so maybe I am changing without even realising it. Wednesday night I spoke to him. We had been planning to speak for a few days, just in the friendship way that we have slotted into, which I was doing absolutely fine with. We spoke about the business idea I had been working on and then I mentioned that I was going on the tree top adventure Saturday. He said that him and a friend were thinking of doing that too. So after we got off the phone I texted him our start time. The conversation then continued and it ended up with him telling me that we may be able to hang out next weekend at the Dogfish Head event at the BBC in Plymouth. He made a point of telling me it would be nice to have some "pretty" company and good beer. Of course this to me is him basically telling me he still thinks about me in that way and the flirting began. I knew I had to stop it so I avoided all his advances pretty well and we said good night. The next night he texted me again, I knew this time he was home and his wife would have been there. He told me he was chilling out in the basement. He started flirting again and again I did my very best to change the subject. Even after I said good night he continued to text me. The next night we texted briefly and then nothing all weekend. He hasn't responded to any of my messages. I feel like I was just being used last week now and that he wanted my attention, but now that I was getting used to us talking again on a regular basis he starts ignoring me! I have no idea why. I also don't know if we are going to get to see each other Saturday. Of course, even just the idea of seeing him gets me beyond excited, but I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. He will almost definitely find some reason that he can't make it. In fact, he probably knew he wouldn't be able to make it when he suggested it to me. If I do get to see him Saturday it will be nothing short of a miracle, but of course, because of my mental state I am clinging onto that hope. PATHETIC!!!!! And I am so angry at myself for letting him slip back into my mind and my heart!
Last night I went to a meeting of ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dis-functional Families. I was really nervous about sharing my story, but everyone there was so helpful. There is another meeting tonight that I think I might try and get to, this one is in Andover which is a little closer to me. It's a free service so I guess I should take advantage of it. Just that feeling of knowing I'm not alone is so helpful right now. It is a 12 step program and I have been warned the 12 steps are difficult. So eventually I will have to face my fears. But right now I just feel good knowing there are other people out there, some a lot worse off that me, who are in the same boat as me. I'm not a freak, I am just sick from a disease given to me by my parents.
If anyone who reads this, and I don't know if anyone does, but this if anyone has the same issues as me this link really helped me out:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/
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