Therapy

I have been exploring a few different options recently to help my mental state. I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now and last night's appointment went really well. We ended up talking about a lot of things, but the main points of coversation became my parents and my on off relationship with him. It was good to talk to someone who wasn't there to judge me, and although I did feel like the things I was saying sounded pathetic and childish, they are the issues I am working through right now and for that reason it was good to talk about them.

I have also been to a couple of ACA meetings. ACA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dis-Functional Families. It is a group which understands that learned behaviours of children who grew up in a family like that often stay with us when we are older and we learn that this is the only method of survival. It affects all aspects of our adult lives from forming relationships to fear and isolation. All the traits are so similar to the way I am and live my life that I thought it would be a perfect way to try and deal with my issues. I have been to two meetings so far and intend to go when I can. Unfortunately the one I would like to go to is on Sundays and rehearsals will most definitely get in the way of that soon.

I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I am ok with that. We have made plans to speak tonight but whether he will remember or not is another question. A part of me wants to speak to him and a part of me doesn't. I want to be ok with just the friendship deal as I had started to become before last week but I don't know if I will be. Also we had made provisional plans to see each other on Saturday. He said he won't be able to let me know for sure until around 5pm that day, and I have a pretty strong feeling he will find a reason that he can't make it. But seeing as he suggested it in the first place I would hope that he wouldn't back out. It would be so good to see him, especially as I just want to make sure we can be friends. The last time we met for a drink was great, until we went back to his truck. I could have walked away at any minute, but he took things too far and then freaked out and backed off. I definitely do not want that to happen again! I love him, but I will not be a part of an affair. If he wants any part of me he has to have all of me or nothing at all. So we will see if he bails on Saturday.

I have reconnected with a few guys from my past recently. One of them in particular that I really liked a lot. I met him back in December, right after the whole disaster happened with my married guy, so the wounds were very fresh. It meant that I didn't really even give him the time of day. We went on two dates and didn't even kiss until the second one. I wasn't emotionally available, and that coupled with my crazy school schedule meant that nothing ever came of it. I then moved up here and we haven't really spoken much since. But recently we have been speaking a little and I came to realise that if I had just given it a chance I think something nice may have come of it. Of course, not I live in Massachusetts and he lives in Pennsylvania, so any hope of rekindling anything is pretty slim. But I have told him that I plan to head back to PA a couple of times before Christmas and when I do he said he would love to hang out. So we will see. It would be nice to see him. He is a great guy, well-rounded, with a good head on his shoulders. He has a good job and owns a house, both things that I find attractive.

Reconnecting with him, amoungst other great guys from my past has made me realise just how much time I have wasted on a guy who doesn't know what he wants. He needs to figure it out, because I feel soon I will make up his mind for him and I will be lost to him forever!