This weekend with my Dad was actually a lot better than I was thinking it might be. My Dad and I have an odd relationship. Despite the fact he was absent for such a huge part of my life he knows me better than anyone, and can get things out of me that no one else can.
So Thursday I picked him up, late of course thanks to stupid Boston traffic! We went to dinner and then turned in. Friday I had to work for a bit and then we just went into Boston for a late lunch/early dinner. Nothing to adventurous, just a nice walk around town. Saturday morning we went for a classic American diner breakfast and then headed back into the city. We did the tourist thing, including the Duck Tours which was a lot of fun!! Then dinner by my Dad's hotel and then an earlish night. Sunday we headed down to the Cape. It was so nice to go down there but also pretty difficult. The one of which I have done so well not to think about lately knew I was coming down and in the morning text me and told me to let him know when we would pass by where he worked. He kept contacting me, eager to find out when we would be driving past. I tried really hard not to let it distract me, but then as we stopped in at a park in his old home town of Brewster and I realise that I think this is the place he got married. It was tough to not think about him then. We drove through Eastham where he works and I managed to completely miss the fire station, which was probably a good thing. We headed up to Provincetown and had a walk around and a couple of drinks. It was nice and I gradually started to forget about him again. But then on the way back he waited outside his work and I saw him as we drove past. He specifically wanted me to let him know when we drove past so he could stand out there and wave. This is what I don't understand about him. We haven't really spoken for a few weeks now, not like we used to. And then when I am down there, he is insistant that he see me for a few seconds, although when I suggest stopping in to say hi he tells me not to. I just do not get it and it gives me that false sense of hope that he really wants to be with me. Grrrr I hate it! Anyways, that night he called and we chatted for a while, I was still doing pretty good at protecting my feelings by that point. It wasn't until I suggested we talk in a week or so and he said he would be around Tuesday to talk. I wonder why he is so desperate to talk to me again so soon, rather than after a week as we have been recently. Then yesterday he sends me a picture of himself. I was so surprised because I thought pictures were a no no now after what supposedly happened. Again, just like his wife's pregnancy back in November, I'm starting to think that she never really saw those pictures, something just doesn't add up. I think, again, like back in November, he realised things had gone too far and he needed a reason to stop talking to me, but he didn't want it to sound like it was his doing. I don't really know anymore. But all day yesterday he is texting me to find out how I am liking the Allagash Brewery where we went to take the tour. It was like old times when we would talk a lot. But then, all of a sudden, the texts stop because I know he is home, and I am left to feel like crap again. It kinda put a real downer on my last two days with my dad. I cannot escape this guy. I love him with all my heart, and my heart breaks even when I feel like I have done pretty good at getting past it all. August was probably the hardest month of all this, and I made it through the other side and felt ok. And now this weekend he has attempted to destroy all that and work his way back into my life again. It crushes me because this puts us back so far! It just feels like the early part of this year all over again, when I had started to move on and then I get dragged back. The last time started around St Patrick's Day, and it started off pretty much like this. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just wich he would see me so we can talk this out once and for all and he would make up his mind. But I don't see that happening somehow. He doesn't want to face it.
So my Dad is leaving today. I have to take a long lunch and drop him at the airport. A part of me wishes I was going too, escaping as I have so many times, to a different life. But I have to stop running. I am never going to find what I am looking for if I keep giving up every time it gets difficult. If only I hadn't had to "run" home back in 2004 maybe I would be happily married to the man of my dreams, instead of someone else getting to raise his child and bare his last name. That's what crushes me the most!
I can get past this, I have and I will again and again. I have the feeling deep down that if I just wait long enough everything will work out the way it is supposed to be. No love can be this strong and things seem this right and go un answered!
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