Here We Are Again

So yet again I am in that place where he is ignoring me, despite the fact he always promised me he never would. A sone came on my Pandora this morning that just made me think about our relationship, as friends, or whatever we try to be:

Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder

what I am to you

Sometimes that way that I act makes me angry

to be part of the things you do

 

I related to these words in such a huge way and realised that this is our relationship. The way he acts makes it so unclear to me as to what I mean to him. One minute he wants to talk to me and tells me he can't control himself around me. That I am his weakness. But then when I offer to walk away and leave him to get on with his life he says he doesn't want that. However, he will go days at a time without talking to me, ignoring my messages, and just acting like he doesn't care how I feel at all. I just don't get it! It used to upset me, but thank goodness, it is finally making me mad!

 

Then there are the things I do to feel like I am still a part of his life. I don't even want to list them on here, but I know that there are plenty of stupid things I have gone out of my way to do to feel like I am still a part of his life, which really, I'm not. I need to make my life about me, and thankfully, I am finally starting to do that with the help of a few new things in my life.

 

Number 1 - I am moving! Apart from some recent drama over my move date and the fact that I will technically be homeless for two weeks, I am still so excited to get moved into my new place. A place to call my own and make my own! It's tiny which means it won't take a lot to make it feel cozy! I bought a rug for the living room this weekend and some curtains and things. I am going to hold off on buying anything else until I know exactly what I need and where its all going to go. But I am so ready to be my own person again and be finished with the whole roommate crap!

 

Number 2 - I am teaching a lot this winter! I was originally teaching Sac Open and Acton-Boxborough. But this weekend I was asked if I wanted to help out with the World guard too. What an honor, to be asked to help teach a World Class colourguard. I am so excited to be working with them! So I am going to incredibly busy doing something I love, a reason to wake up on my otherwise empty and lonely weekends.

 

Number 3 - A potential new relationship on the horizon. I have told you about a reconnection with someone from my past who, at the time, I never even really spoke to. But recently we have been speaking a lot and we have grown pretty close. Unfortunately he lives in Pennsylvania, but that may actually work to my advantage. I know what I am like when I really like someone new. I can get pretty heavy, pretty fast and this usually scares them away. Being 6 hours apart is going to limit just how close we can get for right now. Hopefully this is something both of us can be serious about, but we will see. For right now I am just excited to spend the day with him in a couple of weeks and get to know him all over again. If it goes anywhere after that then that would be really nice, but I know it's a tall order for both of us to commit to something as long distance as Pennsylvania to Massachusetts. So we will see. But for right now it is definitely putting a smile on my face.

 

So there is life after him! As much as I would like my life to include him in some way, I cannot continue fighting for a friendship that he isn't prepared to work for as well. I need to back away and just let things work themselves out on there own. It's tough, but I deserve better than what he is willing to give right now.