Thought if maybe I wrote this on here then I will get my head around it a little better :)
Current Balances on Cards
Victoria Secret - $69.49
Capital One - $147.47
Target - $56.85
Old Navy - $1,084.19!!!!!!! - This is rediculous!!!
So this month I get a bonus paycheck, that is, I get three paychecks in one month, it only happens twice a year so I'm taking advantage this month. I will have $600 extra that I can use to pay some bills. So after the $600 is used to pay the above I will be left with a balance on my Old Navy card of:
$758.00
Now I thought about leaving this and paying it off over some time. But the problem is the APR on that card is 27.9%!!! So I'm getting killed in iterest payments. I do have savings but this would pretty much wipe them out. However, I learned in economics 101 that it's pointless to have savings if you have a debt that is accruing interest. So I am going to bite the bullet and pay off the remaining balance of my Old Navy card with my savings. This would leave me a grand total remaining in my savings account of:
$226.00
Now it is a little scarey to think that all I will have tucked away for a rainy day is just this tiny amount, seeing as my savings have not dipped below $1k in a few years and I won't be making money from judging this year, but I do make more money now, and recently I have been pretty careless with my spending. If I hone it in some I can probably save around $200 a month, which would enable me to be back up over the magic number of $1000 by Christmas. It would mean definitely putting off the bike purchase until next year but I think that is inevitable anyway now. It's going to be tough but I think it has to be done. Here's to a thrifty few months, less partying, less drinking, less shopping!!! I need to start to come down off of the vacation trip I've been on since moving up here and realise this is still real life!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Meh....
I wasn't sure I was going to update this today but thought that by typing I might help myself escape the feeling of 'meh' that has decended over me this morning
I don't really know how I feel today. The high of the weekend has started to ware off, as I expected it to, and my thoughts are starting to turn back to him. I am striving really hard not to think about it, and for the most part, I am doing pretty well. But every now and then I do think about him and the situation at hand, and I start to get a little anxious. I want to text him, but at the same time, I know that because I can't, and he has asked me not to for a few days, I feel almost relieved when I decide I shouldn't and I almost enjoy the break. It's a really odd feeling. As I have said before, we have plans to talk of Saturday and I will hopefully find out what the future holds for our friendship. I am a little nervous that we are going to have to call it a day. I am really hoping we still get to take our trip we were planning, but I have pretty much reserved myself to the idea that the possibility of it happening now is very slim. So much so that I have made other plans that weekend now anyway.
So who knows how I am feeling. Odd to say the least. I guess I should be grateful that I'm not feeling as low as I was, maybe this is my subconcious way of starting to heal? I don't know. But like I said, I'm not complaining about it, just hoping that it stays at least as barable as this from here on out. Everything is out of my control. He is going to do whatever is best for him, and whatever I do it going to have no affect on that. If it was ever going to it would have done by now.
I booked my motorcycle training class. I am starting to get a little concerned about my mounting credit card debt. This is the worst it has been in a long time, since moving here. I have plans to pay about half of it off this week when I get paid. Its a bonus paycheck month this month which helps a lot. So the motorcycle class and everything that will be neccessary gear wise will bring my card balance up to about $800 after everything is paid and I have paid off some of the bills. Not a huge debt but more than I would like to owe. If I pay some off every week, as much as I could afford, I could probably have that paid off by Christmas, but it would mean putting my bike purchase off until next spring. I really didn't want to wait that long, but it is the sensible thing to do. My other option is to take a little longer to pay down my debt and get payments on a bike now. But with insurance and everything else that would stretch my finances a little thin. Or I guess I could get a temporary second job to pay down the debt. Definitely don't really want to go that way, I enjoy my spare time. I think the smartest option is to cut back on my spending and start to pay down my cards, put the bike purchase off for a while, and just get my license out of the way. At least going it this way I will have my license all ready when I get around to getting my bike next summer. Need to crunch some more numbers and see if it would be at all possible this summer but I'm ok to wait if need be. I am taking the class on the weekend of the 18th and 19th, and if all goes well I will get my license that day. Then I'll be all set to either get a bike then, or wait a little while to pay down some of my debt. Which ever way it works out I'm wicked excited to finally be doing this!!!
Hoping the rest of this week goes by fast. I want to just get in my car and get down to Allentown to see my friends and enjoy a weekend of relaxation and drum corps. DCI East is my favourite weekend of the year and this year is very very much needed after recent events! I need a break from the man drama, and although the plan is for us to speak Saturday, until then I will get to enjoy a carefree weekend. I'm headed out Thursday after work. Not looking forward to traffic, but definitely looking forward to kicking back PA style and slowing down a little from MA life. Massachusetts can be a very fast and busy place to live! I love it, don't get me wrong, but a break every now and then is definitely very welcome.
K I'm hungry, headed out to get some lunch. Typing this has helped a little :) glad I took the time
I don't really know how I feel today. The high of the weekend has started to ware off, as I expected it to, and my thoughts are starting to turn back to him. I am striving really hard not to think about it, and for the most part, I am doing pretty well. But every now and then I do think about him and the situation at hand, and I start to get a little anxious. I want to text him, but at the same time, I know that because I can't, and he has asked me not to for a few days, I feel almost relieved when I decide I shouldn't and I almost enjoy the break. It's a really odd feeling. As I have said before, we have plans to talk of Saturday and I will hopefully find out what the future holds for our friendship. I am a little nervous that we are going to have to call it a day. I am really hoping we still get to take our trip we were planning, but I have pretty much reserved myself to the idea that the possibility of it happening now is very slim. So much so that I have made other plans that weekend now anyway.
So who knows how I am feeling. Odd to say the least. I guess I should be grateful that I'm not feeling as low as I was, maybe this is my subconcious way of starting to heal? I don't know. But like I said, I'm not complaining about it, just hoping that it stays at least as barable as this from here on out. Everything is out of my control. He is going to do whatever is best for him, and whatever I do it going to have no affect on that. If it was ever going to it would have done by now.
I booked my motorcycle training class. I am starting to get a little concerned about my mounting credit card debt. This is the worst it has been in a long time, since moving here. I have plans to pay about half of it off this week when I get paid. Its a bonus paycheck month this month which helps a lot. So the motorcycle class and everything that will be neccessary gear wise will bring my card balance up to about $800 after everything is paid and I have paid off some of the bills. Not a huge debt but more than I would like to owe. If I pay some off every week, as much as I could afford, I could probably have that paid off by Christmas, but it would mean putting my bike purchase off until next spring. I really didn't want to wait that long, but it is the sensible thing to do. My other option is to take a little longer to pay down my debt and get payments on a bike now. But with insurance and everything else that would stretch my finances a little thin. Or I guess I could get a temporary second job to pay down the debt. Definitely don't really want to go that way, I enjoy my spare time. I think the smartest option is to cut back on my spending and start to pay down my cards, put the bike purchase off for a while, and just get my license out of the way. At least going it this way I will have my license all ready when I get around to getting my bike next summer. Need to crunch some more numbers and see if it would be at all possible this summer but I'm ok to wait if need be. I am taking the class on the weekend of the 18th and 19th, and if all goes well I will get my license that day. Then I'll be all set to either get a bike then, or wait a little while to pay down some of my debt. Which ever way it works out I'm wicked excited to finally be doing this!!!
Hoping the rest of this week goes by fast. I want to just get in my car and get down to Allentown to see my friends and enjoy a weekend of relaxation and drum corps. DCI East is my favourite weekend of the year and this year is very very much needed after recent events! I need a break from the man drama, and although the plan is for us to speak Saturday, until then I will get to enjoy a carefree weekend. I'm headed out Thursday after work. Not looking forward to traffic, but definitely looking forward to kicking back PA style and slowing down a little from MA life. Massachusetts can be a very fast and busy place to live! I love it, don't get me wrong, but a break every now and then is definitely very welcome.
K I'm hungry, headed out to get some lunch. Typing this has helped a little :) glad I took the time
Monday, July 30, 2012
From Bad to Better, to Great, to Meh but with a Smile
What a whirlwind of a weekend! Here's a bit of a run down
Friday night after all the drama that happened during the day I actually felt ok on the way home. Then it hit me. This was a huge deal! Something was definitely going to change. I had no plans so I was sitting home, in my emotional state, watching the London Olympic Opening Ceremony with my roommate's dog. I was hysterical. Not only was the magnitude of what had happened hitting me but I was dealing with the worst case of homesickness and pride for my home country that I had ever experienced in my life as I watched in awe at the amazing spectical they put on. Then just after 10 he called me. I asked how things were with his wife and he just said that he thinks she had calmed down but that he hadn't called her, just text her. I was a little surprised that I was receiving my second call and he hadn't called her once. But he went on to basically tell me that our friendship had to change a lot. We needed to put some distance between us and this pretty much broke my heart. He asked me not to text him for a week and that we could only talk when he was working. So basically we can only talk when he wants to, I get no say in that at all and if I happen to want to talk to him I can't, I have to wait for him to contact me. He told me that there is way too much holding him to his marriage and he wants to focus on that. All the time he is talking to me he can't do that. He also went on to say that even if his marriage did fall apart he wouldn't want me. He would probably just move back to Chicago with his family. He said that his week away with them had lead him to do a lot of reflecting. So he pretty much told me that there is no place for me in his life. He told me he wanted to save our friendship but that it would have to be a lot more distant. That just sounds to me as a cop out because if that happens it will eventually just fade out into nothing. Out of sight out of mind. So I realised that I pretty much have no control over this. I have to just wait and see what he says Saturday, if and when he calls. Then we go from there I guess.
Saturday morning I had plans to go see an old friend from PA who was up in Maine visiting a friend of his. We weren't all that close and I didn't really know what to expect of the weekend, but I needed a distraction and this was perfect. I set out early Saturday and headed up to Maine. I got there around lunch time and my friend and his friend were just hanging out. Well, to my surprise and joy, I slotted right into their weekend and it felt as if I had known them both for ever. I had such a fun time! Saturday we hung out at his friend's camp on the lake, they ate lobster and we drank all day. We went out for dinner in the evening to a wicked cool grill place where they had live margaritaville style music. It was just so much fun and I felt so at ease with both of them! Sunday morning we slept in a little and then went out to breakfast, did some shopping and then hung out at the camp again. My friend's friend's family were there and again I felt so welcome, like I had known them all for ages. It started raining so we spent a lazy day hanging out watching the Olympics, then later on went out for dinner with some more of the family. I was nervous about feeling out of place but yet again I felt so welcome and before we knew it we were all laughing hard and hitting it off well. And I am really glad I felt so comfortable because......... I really liked my friend's friend :) and I think he liked me too. We spoke about hanging out again, going to a Red Sox game or Six Flags or something. I would really like to do either. And he doesn't live too far away. I made it home in just over an hour and a half last night. I don't know why but I could definitely see something coming of this. It's very early days, we only just met, but my friend was saying how his family all liked me and thought I was great and his friend made a point of telling his sister that we were going to hang out and told me he definitely thought I fit in well with the group. I guess we will just have to see where this goes. The main good thing about this? HE IS NOT MARRIED!!!!! Haha. 100% available!
So this morning I am experiencing some mixed feelings about everything. I am still thinking a lot about what happened Friday, but I am more mad than upset! I am still worried about losing my friend but I am tired of having to work so hard at making it work anyway! If he want's to be my friend then it's his turn to work at it. If not then I think it's high time I finally got over all this. I knew it had to happen eventually! It's going to be hard, I really do love him, but living like this is no fun, and really quite painful at times. And hopefully this new friendship I have discovered in Maine might go somewhere. I do believe in the saying that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together, I guess maybe that is what is happening here. Only time will tell.
So 4 day week this week and then a much needed trip to Pennsylvania, my true US home! I love living in Boston but I do miss my life in PA a lot. I am so excited to visit my friends and those I really consider my family this weekend. It is exactly what I need!!! Thursday cannot come fast enough!
Friday night after all the drama that happened during the day I actually felt ok on the way home. Then it hit me. This was a huge deal! Something was definitely going to change. I had no plans so I was sitting home, in my emotional state, watching the London Olympic Opening Ceremony with my roommate's dog. I was hysterical. Not only was the magnitude of what had happened hitting me but I was dealing with the worst case of homesickness and pride for my home country that I had ever experienced in my life as I watched in awe at the amazing spectical they put on. Then just after 10 he called me. I asked how things were with his wife and he just said that he thinks she had calmed down but that he hadn't called her, just text her. I was a little surprised that I was receiving my second call and he hadn't called her once. But he went on to basically tell me that our friendship had to change a lot. We needed to put some distance between us and this pretty much broke my heart. He asked me not to text him for a week and that we could only talk when he was working. So basically we can only talk when he wants to, I get no say in that at all and if I happen to want to talk to him I can't, I have to wait for him to contact me. He told me that there is way too much holding him to his marriage and he wants to focus on that. All the time he is talking to me he can't do that. He also went on to say that even if his marriage did fall apart he wouldn't want me. He would probably just move back to Chicago with his family. He said that his week away with them had lead him to do a lot of reflecting. So he pretty much told me that there is no place for me in his life. He told me he wanted to save our friendship but that it would have to be a lot more distant. That just sounds to me as a cop out because if that happens it will eventually just fade out into nothing. Out of sight out of mind. So I realised that I pretty much have no control over this. I have to just wait and see what he says Saturday, if and when he calls. Then we go from there I guess.
Saturday morning I had plans to go see an old friend from PA who was up in Maine visiting a friend of his. We weren't all that close and I didn't really know what to expect of the weekend, but I needed a distraction and this was perfect. I set out early Saturday and headed up to Maine. I got there around lunch time and my friend and his friend were just hanging out. Well, to my surprise and joy, I slotted right into their weekend and it felt as if I had known them both for ever. I had such a fun time! Saturday we hung out at his friend's camp on the lake, they ate lobster and we drank all day. We went out for dinner in the evening to a wicked cool grill place where they had live margaritaville style music. It was just so much fun and I felt so at ease with both of them! Sunday morning we slept in a little and then went out to breakfast, did some shopping and then hung out at the camp again. My friend's friend's family were there and again I felt so welcome, like I had known them all for ages. It started raining so we spent a lazy day hanging out watching the Olympics, then later on went out for dinner with some more of the family. I was nervous about feeling out of place but yet again I felt so welcome and before we knew it we were all laughing hard and hitting it off well. And I am really glad I felt so comfortable because......... I really liked my friend's friend :) and I think he liked me too. We spoke about hanging out again, going to a Red Sox game or Six Flags or something. I would really like to do either. And he doesn't live too far away. I made it home in just over an hour and a half last night. I don't know why but I could definitely see something coming of this. It's very early days, we only just met, but my friend was saying how his family all liked me and thought I was great and his friend made a point of telling his sister that we were going to hang out and told me he definitely thought I fit in well with the group. I guess we will just have to see where this goes. The main good thing about this? HE IS NOT MARRIED!!!!! Haha. 100% available!
So this morning I am experiencing some mixed feelings about everything. I am still thinking a lot about what happened Friday, but I am more mad than upset! I am still worried about losing my friend but I am tired of having to work so hard at making it work anyway! If he want's to be my friend then it's his turn to work at it. If not then I think it's high time I finally got over all this. I knew it had to happen eventually! It's going to be hard, I really do love him, but living like this is no fun, and really quite painful at times. And hopefully this new friendship I have discovered in Maine might go somewhere. I do believe in the saying that good things fall apart so that better things can fall together, I guess maybe that is what is happening here. Only time will tell.
So 4 day week this week and then a much needed trip to Pennsylvania, my true US home! I love living in Boston but I do miss my life in PA a lot. I am so excited to visit my friends and those I really consider my family this weekend. It is exactly what I need!!! Thursday cannot come fast enough!
Friday, July 27, 2012
I FEEL SICK!
I just got a call from him! His wife found my pictures!!!!! I feel physically sick right now! I never wanted that to happen. He said she text him and said some pictures of a girl downloaded to his home computer from iCloud from his iPhone and that he had some explaining to do. He called me right away! He also said the reason he had been quiet is because he felt bad about how far past the friendship line we had gotten last time we spoke. That is excatly how I felt too so I am glad we are both on the same page. I felt like all he was interested in me for was for sexual release. But he said that is not it at all. He told me it wasn't my fault and that he had to try and come up with a way of getting out of this. But he assured me that we would still be able to be friends afterwards. He asked me not to text him for a while and that he was going to delete all traces of me from his phone. But he told me he would keep my number in his locker at work and that he is working next Saturday and he would call me then to update me. I have to go a whole other week without my friend and right now that is ALL I want! My friend back! I don't want to destroy his marriage, or damage his wife's trust in him. Admittedly, that is his fault, and I technically did nothing wrong. But I knew he was married and I should have stayed away when the conversations turned in that direction. At least last time I saw him and he took things a step too far in his truck, I stopped him and told him I was worth more than that and wouldn't be just that to him.
So what happens now. There are three ways I can see this going:
1) The absolute worst senario. He cuts all contact with me. No friendship, no nothing, and works at just saving his marriage. This would devastate me. As I said, he is one of my best friends and I really feel like I can tell him anything. To lose him would break my heart. I respect that he would want to save his marriage, but through my own experience, I know that when the trust is broken it never truely recovers.
2) He defuses the situation with his wife and she forgives him. We continue on as friends, the way we have been up until this point and we make it completely plutonic. The moment either of us steps over the line we call it quits as this means we cannot possibly deal with just being friends. This is the fairest solution to all parties involved as it does not destroy a marriage or a friendship.
3) He and his wife cannot reconcile and they separate. As much as I would not wish this upon anyone after going through it myself, knowing that this is one of the scariest and most painful things to ever go through, sometimes once the trust is gone things are just never the same. The fact that they have a daughter makes the situation even harder. As much as all along I have gotten excited about the prospect of them separating, with the possibility that it now could happen I don't like the idea as much. I wouldn't want to have to watch anyone, especially someone I care this much about, go through something like that.
So I have a week to wait and see what happens. We have made plans to speak next Saturday so at least I don't have to worry about him not contacting me during the week, I KNOW he's not going to. In a way, that makes things easier. I just have to wait to speak to him next week. I am hoping for options 2 or 3 but I also need to be prepared for it to be option 1. After all, they have been together a long time, and if he really wants to save his marriage he will do anything she asks him to. Until Saturday I am just going to try not to think about it all. I know now that he wants to save our friendship, otherwise he wouldn't have called me at all, he just would have tended to his wife. And he has told me this will not be the end of our friendship. As much as he keeps me hanging sometimes, he has always made good on what he tells me. I trust him, I love him. I truely believe he is my soulmate, and if all we can be is friends, then both of us will strive to make at least that happen.
I just can't stop thinking about his wife and how she must have felt opening that file and seeing those pictures. I remember so vividly the feelings I would get when I would check my ex's computer, the butterflies, the heart palpatations, the sudden feeling that everything you have come to know in your life has suddenly been destroyed and replaced with this person you don't know. I would not wish that feeling on anyone, and to know that pictures of me have caused someone else to experience that pain breaks my own heart. I am truly sorry to her and I just hope she has a good support system to help her recover. I'm not going to insult her by asking that she might be able to deal with it and forgive me, only that maybe she can cope with the help of her family.
So I might be AWOL for a while this week while I wait to hear from him. I just feel like a complete and utter fool right now, but at least now something that needed to change is going to change. He and I couldn't have gone one like this forever. Something eventually needed to happen so that we could both move on with our lives, in whatever direction, be that together or separately. Separately will near destroy me but I know eventually I'll get over it, and one day I'll feel love like his again
So what happens now. There are three ways I can see this going:
1) The absolute worst senario. He cuts all contact with me. No friendship, no nothing, and works at just saving his marriage. This would devastate me. As I said, he is one of my best friends and I really feel like I can tell him anything. To lose him would break my heart. I respect that he would want to save his marriage, but through my own experience, I know that when the trust is broken it never truely recovers.
2) He defuses the situation with his wife and she forgives him. We continue on as friends, the way we have been up until this point and we make it completely plutonic. The moment either of us steps over the line we call it quits as this means we cannot possibly deal with just being friends. This is the fairest solution to all parties involved as it does not destroy a marriage or a friendship.
3) He and his wife cannot reconcile and they separate. As much as I would not wish this upon anyone after going through it myself, knowing that this is one of the scariest and most painful things to ever go through, sometimes once the trust is gone things are just never the same. The fact that they have a daughter makes the situation even harder. As much as all along I have gotten excited about the prospect of them separating, with the possibility that it now could happen I don't like the idea as much. I wouldn't want to have to watch anyone, especially someone I care this much about, go through something like that.
So I have a week to wait and see what happens. We have made plans to speak next Saturday so at least I don't have to worry about him not contacting me during the week, I KNOW he's not going to. In a way, that makes things easier. I just have to wait to speak to him next week. I am hoping for options 2 or 3 but I also need to be prepared for it to be option 1. After all, they have been together a long time, and if he really wants to save his marriage he will do anything she asks him to. Until Saturday I am just going to try not to think about it all. I know now that he wants to save our friendship, otherwise he wouldn't have called me at all, he just would have tended to his wife. And he has told me this will not be the end of our friendship. As much as he keeps me hanging sometimes, he has always made good on what he tells me. I trust him, I love him. I truely believe he is my soulmate, and if all we can be is friends, then both of us will strive to make at least that happen.
I just can't stop thinking about his wife and how she must have felt opening that file and seeing those pictures. I remember so vividly the feelings I would get when I would check my ex's computer, the butterflies, the heart palpatations, the sudden feeling that everything you have come to know in your life has suddenly been destroyed and replaced with this person you don't know. I would not wish that feeling on anyone, and to know that pictures of me have caused someone else to experience that pain breaks my own heart. I am truly sorry to her and I just hope she has a good support system to help her recover. I'm not going to insult her by asking that she might be able to deal with it and forgive me, only that maybe she can cope with the help of her family.
So I might be AWOL for a while this week while I wait to hear from him. I just feel like a complete and utter fool right now, but at least now something that needed to change is going to change. He and I couldn't have gone one like this forever. Something eventually needed to happen so that we could both move on with our lives, in whatever direction, be that together or separately. Separately will near destroy me but I know eventually I'll get over it, and one day I'll feel love like his again
Anxiety!
Ok second post today, only emphasises just how I am feeling. No response from him since 8am this morning. I know I need to let it be and a part of me knows I can. But another part of me wants to drive down there and have it out with him!
I have been here before. The weekend before girls weekend, so it was like 3 weeks ago, I didn't hear from him for pretty much the whole week. Actually, yeah, it was July 4th week, so like a week after I had met him for a drink. We talked a little on Monday and Tuesday, barely at all over the next few days and then that weekend not at all until late on the Saturday I text him about the Red Sox beating the Yankees and he finally replied and asked me about my weekend. Then that Sunday, I swore on my ride home that I was done being made to feel like this, feeling like I meant nothing to him at all. I asked him to call me but doubted that he would. But then he did, and we were on the phone for almost an hour. Then when we hung up he text me and told me good it always was to hear my voice and how he always fell asleep happier after speaking to me. That was it! I was sucked right back in. We texted constantly right up until he left last week and now this. It's the cycle again! But this time it just feels so much worse! I hate this feeling. Last time it happened I felt ok with telling him I was done. But the thought of telling him that this time is way too much to comprehend! If this was the end of it I would be completely devastated! I at least want to have the chance to go to Maine with him next month, spend the day together, as friends, and if he is still ok to walk away from me at the end of the day I think I will just let him go. I need to, for my own health. This depression he is causing me hurts more than anything I have ever experienced!
We'll see what happens. At the end of the day we have plans. They are not set in stone, but I would at least hope he would either make an effort to confirm or cancel, I at least think he is that much of a good guy.
Of course all of this could be down to pure circumstance as well. He could have really been crazy busy yesterday and simply not had time to text. Now he is home and seeing as its the end of the week, I am guessing his wife if off work due to their vacation, and he won't text me while he is with her. I mean he has done in the past, but usually he respects her enough not to when they are together. This weekend, hopefully Sunday, we will have a chance to catch up properly and get past all this crappyness!
I have been here before. The weekend before girls weekend, so it was like 3 weeks ago, I didn't hear from him for pretty much the whole week. Actually, yeah, it was July 4th week, so like a week after I had met him for a drink. We talked a little on Monday and Tuesday, barely at all over the next few days and then that weekend not at all until late on the Saturday I text him about the Red Sox beating the Yankees and he finally replied and asked me about my weekend. Then that Sunday, I swore on my ride home that I was done being made to feel like this, feeling like I meant nothing to him at all. I asked him to call me but doubted that he would. But then he did, and we were on the phone for almost an hour. Then when we hung up he text me and told me good it always was to hear my voice and how he always fell asleep happier after speaking to me. That was it! I was sucked right back in. We texted constantly right up until he left last week and now this. It's the cycle again! But this time it just feels so much worse! I hate this feeling. Last time it happened I felt ok with telling him I was done. But the thought of telling him that this time is way too much to comprehend! If this was the end of it I would be completely devastated! I at least want to have the chance to go to Maine with him next month, spend the day together, as friends, and if he is still ok to walk away from me at the end of the day I think I will just let him go. I need to, for my own health. This depression he is causing me hurts more than anything I have ever experienced!
We'll see what happens. At the end of the day we have plans. They are not set in stone, but I would at least hope he would either make an effort to confirm or cancel, I at least think he is that much of a good guy.
Of course all of this could be down to pure circumstance as well. He could have really been crazy busy yesterday and simply not had time to text. Now he is home and seeing as its the end of the week, I am guessing his wife if off work due to their vacation, and he won't text me while he is with her. I mean he has done in the past, but usually he respects her enough not to when they are together. This weekend, hopefully Sunday, we will have a chance to catch up properly and get past all this crappyness!
Better or Worse?
I didn't hear from him last night again. I went to practice, hoping that by the end of the night I would hear something, but nothing. I got out at about 8 and text him one last time and still nothing. But when messages go through to him, if he is working, they get delayed slightly due to the single in his station house. Well there was a delay, so there's me thinking he is working and has been all day, which means he has been free to text me all day. I tried not to think about it. This morning I text him just "hi" and he FINALLY replied with just, "hi lol". I was so relieved to see him name come up on my screen!!! But kinda disappointed that his reply was so short. He then went on to say he was back and at work. This was at 8am, so he was either starting a 24 hour shift, or finishing one, which confirms my thought that he was working, and available, yesterday. I asked him is he had to work today and if maybe we could catch up and of course no reply!!! I hate this part. We have been here so many times. Our friendship goes in this up and down cycle. Normally, once we have a chance to chat on the phone, we seem to be able to get along well for a while. But getting that phone call is that tough part. I hate that I think so deeply into this but it drives me crazy. I just want him to be my friend! We are supposed to be spending the day together in a couple of weeks but I'm suspecting he will find an excuse not to. I hope everything works out. I just want to be able to see him as a friend. He means a lot to me, but I hate the way he makes me feel sometimes. Like previously, I hope this will pass, but every time we get to this downpoint in our friendship I worry if it might be the time that breaks us. Lets hope this one turns around like in previous examples and we can get on with our day trip and our friendship. I do feel better than yesterday, but also hurt that he possibly was just ignoring me yesterday, something he promised he would never do :(
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Going crazy!!!
He got back late last night and although I didn't expect to hear from him then I thought I would have done by now. It's almost 11:30 and nothing. I have sent him two messages already and I need to stop! If the past with him is anything to go by I would hope this silence is just temporary and that I am going crazy over nothing. I just want to speak to him so bad and pick up from where we left off last week. GRRRRR this crappy feeling needs to pass!!!
In other news.... I passed my test for my motorcycle permit. Going to take a two day class that at the end of it you take the test right there and then to get your license. Can't wait to buy a bike. Looking at a Suzki GS500 or an SV650 or something similar. I want a standard bike and not one that will give me back ache from leaning forward all the time.
Thats it for now. Wish me like with the whole man drama. I hope I can look back on this post in a couple of days and laugh that I was even worried about it all.
In other news.... I passed my test for my motorcycle permit. Going to take a two day class that at the end of it you take the test right there and then to get your license. Can't wait to buy a bike. Looking at a Suzki GS500 or an SV650 or something similar. I want a standard bike and not one that will give me back ache from leaning forward all the time.
Thats it for now. Wish me like with the whole man drama. I hope I can look back on this post in a couple of days and laugh that I was even worried about it all.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Feeling Better
It's Wednesday and I just realised I actually don't feel too bad today. Now I don't know if that's because I know a certain someone I am missing right now is getting back into town tonight and hopefully we will pick up where we left off, or because I know that when our friendship/relationship/affair, whatever the hell it is, eventually imploades, which I'm 99% sure it eventually will, the first days will be horrible, but after that I will start to heal. I kinda feel like this every time him and I don't talk for a while. At first it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced, but after a few days and time with friends, I begin to not feel as bad. I know I need to stick with the separation one day and just not break the silence and let him back into my life, but right now I'm not ready to do that. I guess a part of me in so convinced that two people who are so perfect for each other will end up together in the end. Fairytales? I don't know but a girl can hope right?
I had a fun night with my roommate and our other friend last night. We didn't do anything special, just hung out at home, made dinner and then went out for some ice cream. But then we went and did a few errands and before we know it we are goofing around in Target, trying on sun glasses and taking pictures like high schoolers. It's nice to finally have people to hang out with who are on exactly the same level as me. We are all single, late 20s, and just like to have fun. Also we all understand each other's pain over regrets in love and missing someone we can't have right now. So we help each other through it all when we need to.
There is a another guy who has caught my attention lately too. I know I know, thats all I seem to write about on here. But it's a big focus of my life right now. I am almost 30 and like all girls I want a husband and kids. So of course my attention gets drawn easily. But anyways, yeah this guy is wicked cute and funny. He's not currently available, story of my life, but at least this one isn't married....yet! He works for the same company as me, and although we aren't in the same office, we are getting to know each other a bit through facebook and stuff. Not sure if it would ever be likely that it would go anywhere, but I like him, he's funny, and he makes me smile. That's better than nothing I guess.
Work is still boring. Just not enough to keep me busy! I want to go take my motorcycle permit test ASAP! I have been thinking about it for a while now. I was tempted to take an extended lunch today and go do it but the wait times at the RMV are around 40 minutes so it would be a really extended lunch. But I can just stay late tonight I guess, no plans apart from going to get some birthday gifts for my niece. I need to get those in the mail tomorrow, she turns 2 on August 6th!!! Can't believe she is 2 already. She's so frigging cute!!!!!
Anyways I better do some work, not that I really have much to do, but I can find something to keep myself busy I'm sure
I had a fun night with my roommate and our other friend last night. We didn't do anything special, just hung out at home, made dinner and then went out for some ice cream. But then we went and did a few errands and before we know it we are goofing around in Target, trying on sun glasses and taking pictures like high schoolers. It's nice to finally have people to hang out with who are on exactly the same level as me. We are all single, late 20s, and just like to have fun. Also we all understand each other's pain over regrets in love and missing someone we can't have right now. So we help each other through it all when we need to.
There is a another guy who has caught my attention lately too. I know I know, thats all I seem to write about on here. But it's a big focus of my life right now. I am almost 30 and like all girls I want a husband and kids. So of course my attention gets drawn easily. But anyways, yeah this guy is wicked cute and funny. He's not currently available, story of my life, but at least this one isn't married....yet! He works for the same company as me, and although we aren't in the same office, we are getting to know each other a bit through facebook and stuff. Not sure if it would ever be likely that it would go anywhere, but I like him, he's funny, and he makes me smile. That's better than nothing I guess.
Work is still boring. Just not enough to keep me busy! I want to go take my motorcycle permit test ASAP! I have been thinking about it for a while now. I was tempted to take an extended lunch today and go do it but the wait times at the RMV are around 40 minutes so it would be a really extended lunch. But I can just stay late tonight I guess, no plans apart from going to get some birthday gifts for my niece. I need to get those in the mail tomorrow, she turns 2 on August 6th!!! Can't believe she is 2 already. She's so frigging cute!!!!!
Anyways I better do some work, not that I really have much to do, but I can find something to keep myself busy I'm sure
Monday, July 23, 2012
For Starters...
After recently reading a friend's blog I thought I would have a go at writing one. It seemed to be a good release for her, and I hope this blog will serve in the same way for me. I don't like to talk to people about how I feel, preferring the facade I manage to maintain, of strength and happiness. Little do people usually know, there is a terrified and lonely little girl lurking inside me most of the time.
So a little about me. I am 29 years old and live just north of Boston, Massachusetts. I am originally from England, and moved to the US just over three years ago, following the end of a painful and difficult marriage. To say I had a difficult childhood would probably be accurate, but I don't like to complain when there are thousands less fortunate than me. Let's just say, when I was given the chance to move 3000 miles from where I grew up I had no problem jumping at the chance, and couldn't wait to leave.
After living in north eastern Pennsylvania until recently, I just made the decision to move to Mass. I had spent six months here when I was 20 to march with Blessed Sac from Cambridge, and I fell in love with this area. I definitely plan of spending the rest of my life here. That is the one and only thing I know I definitely want. Everything else, right now, feels like a free for all. I am in love with a married man, work in a career I do just because it is what I have always done, and sometimes just feel a little stuck in a rutt. My one big dream, more than anything in this world, is to have a loving husband and a couple of kids, and experience the closeness of family that I never really got to experience when I was younger.
So thats where I am at right now. My love life if the biggest burden to me right now. I know I know, typical single almost 30 year-old love life drama. And maybe it is, but it's pretty painful sometimes and right now it's causing me to be constantly stuck. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, although I know I can't last forever like this. I know that eventually, I will get exactly what I want, or my heart will break completely and at least I will be able to begin the process of moving on. But at the moment I cannot enjoy either. I don't even want to go into the details right now, other than that him and I talk pretty much daily. We text 24/7, but every now and then he goes quiet, and this weekend he is away with his family. I cannot wait until he is back. He made out like we will just be back to being friends (which is what we are both trying hard to be) when he gets back, but I cannot help but worry that he is going to be quiet and distant when he is back. It's usually what happens. We seem to go in a cycle.
Anyway, enough of that. It makes me anxious even to think about it and I really hate sounding like such a pathetic marriage ruining bitch. I'm really not and that's not my intention. I just want for us both to be happy, together, or apart.
So I may come and add to this blog from time to time when I need to vent or, hopefully, when I want to share happy moments too. Maybe starting this on a Monday, when I was already feeling crappy wasn't such a good idea lol. I hope when I am feeling better I can look back on this and realise that things really weren't that bad.
Happy Monday everyone
So a little about me. I am 29 years old and live just north of Boston, Massachusetts. I am originally from England, and moved to the US just over three years ago, following the end of a painful and difficult marriage. To say I had a difficult childhood would probably be accurate, but I don't like to complain when there are thousands less fortunate than me. Let's just say, when I was given the chance to move 3000 miles from where I grew up I had no problem jumping at the chance, and couldn't wait to leave.
After living in north eastern Pennsylvania until recently, I just made the decision to move to Mass. I had spent six months here when I was 20 to march with Blessed Sac from Cambridge, and I fell in love with this area. I definitely plan of spending the rest of my life here. That is the one and only thing I know I definitely want. Everything else, right now, feels like a free for all. I am in love with a married man, work in a career I do just because it is what I have always done, and sometimes just feel a little stuck in a rutt. My one big dream, more than anything in this world, is to have a loving husband and a couple of kids, and experience the closeness of family that I never really got to experience when I was younger.
So thats where I am at right now. My love life if the biggest burden to me right now. I know I know, typical single almost 30 year-old love life drama. And maybe it is, but it's pretty painful sometimes and right now it's causing me to be constantly stuck. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, although I know I can't last forever like this. I know that eventually, I will get exactly what I want, or my heart will break completely and at least I will be able to begin the process of moving on. But at the moment I cannot enjoy either. I don't even want to go into the details right now, other than that him and I talk pretty much daily. We text 24/7, but every now and then he goes quiet, and this weekend he is away with his family. I cannot wait until he is back. He made out like we will just be back to being friends (which is what we are both trying hard to be) when he gets back, but I cannot help but worry that he is going to be quiet and distant when he is back. It's usually what happens. We seem to go in a cycle.
Anyway, enough of that. It makes me anxious even to think about it and I really hate sounding like such a pathetic marriage ruining bitch. I'm really not and that's not my intention. I just want for us both to be happy, together, or apart.
So I may come and add to this blog from time to time when I need to vent or, hopefully, when I want to share happy moments too. Maybe starting this on a Monday, when I was already feeling crappy wasn't such a good idea lol. I hope when I am feeling better I can look back on this and realise that things really weren't that bad.
Happy Monday everyone
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