After recently reading a friend's blog I thought I would have a go at writing one. It seemed to be a good release for her, and I hope this blog will serve in the same way for me. I don't like to talk to people about how I feel, preferring the facade I manage to maintain, of strength and happiness. Little do people usually know, there is a terrified and lonely little girl lurking inside me most of the time.
So a little about me. I am 29 years old and live just north of Boston, Massachusetts. I am originally from England, and moved to the US just over three years ago, following the end of a painful and difficult marriage. To say I had a difficult childhood would probably be accurate, but I don't like to complain when there are thousands less fortunate than me. Let's just say, when I was given the chance to move 3000 miles from where I grew up I had no problem jumping at the chance, and couldn't wait to leave.
After living in north eastern Pennsylvania until recently, I just made the decision to move to Mass. I had spent six months here when I was 20 to march with Blessed Sac from Cambridge, and I fell in love with this area. I definitely plan of spending the rest of my life here. That is the one and only thing I know I definitely want. Everything else, right now, feels like a free for all. I am in love with a married man, work in a career I do just because it is what I have always done, and sometimes just feel a little stuck in a rutt. My one big dream, more than anything in this world, is to have a loving husband and a couple of kids, and experience the closeness of family that I never really got to experience when I was younger.
So thats where I am at right now. My love life if the biggest burden to me right now. I know I know, typical single almost 30 year-old love life drama. And maybe it is, but it's pretty painful sometimes and right now it's causing me to be constantly stuck. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, although I know I can't last forever like this. I know that eventually, I will get exactly what I want, or my heart will break completely and at least I will be able to begin the process of moving on. But at the moment I cannot enjoy either. I don't even want to go into the details right now, other than that him and I talk pretty much daily. We text 24/7, but every now and then he goes quiet, and this weekend he is away with his family. I cannot wait until he is back. He made out like we will just be back to being friends (which is what we are both trying hard to be) when he gets back, but I cannot help but worry that he is going to be quiet and distant when he is back. It's usually what happens. We seem to go in a cycle.
Anyway, enough of that. It makes me anxious even to think about it and I really hate sounding like such a pathetic marriage ruining bitch. I'm really not and that's not my intention. I just want for us both to be happy, together, or apart.
So I may come and add to this blog from time to time when I need to vent or, hopefully, when I want to share happy moments too. Maybe starting this on a Monday, when I was already feeling crappy wasn't such a good idea lol. I hope when I am feeling better I can look back on this and realise that things really weren't that bad.
Happy Monday everyone
No comments:
Post a Comment