I just got a call from him! His wife found my pictures!!!!! I feel physically sick right now! I never wanted that to happen. He said she text him and said some pictures of a girl downloaded to his home computer from iCloud from his iPhone and that he had some explaining to do. He called me right away! He also said the reason he had been quiet is because he felt bad about how far past the friendship line we had gotten last time we spoke. That is excatly how I felt too so I am glad we are both on the same page. I felt like all he was interested in me for was for sexual release. But he said that is not it at all. He told me it wasn't my fault and that he had to try and come up with a way of getting out of this. But he assured me that we would still be able to be friends afterwards. He asked me not to text him for a while and that he was going to delete all traces of me from his phone. But he told me he would keep my number in his locker at work and that he is working next Saturday and he would call me then to update me. I have to go a whole other week without my friend and right now that is ALL I want! My friend back! I don't want to destroy his marriage, or damage his wife's trust in him. Admittedly, that is his fault, and I technically did nothing wrong. But I knew he was married and I should have stayed away when the conversations turned in that direction. At least last time I saw him and he took things a step too far in his truck, I stopped him and told him I was worth more than that and wouldn't be just that to him.
So what happens now. There are three ways I can see this going:
1) The absolute worst senario. He cuts all contact with me. No friendship, no nothing, and works at just saving his marriage. This would devastate me. As I said, he is one of my best friends and I really feel like I can tell him anything. To lose him would break my heart. I respect that he would want to save his marriage, but through my own experience, I know that when the trust is broken it never truely recovers.
2) He defuses the situation with his wife and she forgives him. We continue on as friends, the way we have been up until this point and we make it completely plutonic. The moment either of us steps over the line we call it quits as this means we cannot possibly deal with just being friends. This is the fairest solution to all parties involved as it does not destroy a marriage or a friendship.
3) He and his wife cannot reconcile and they separate. As much as I would not wish this upon anyone after going through it myself, knowing that this is one of the scariest and most painful things to ever go through, sometimes once the trust is gone things are just never the same. The fact that they have a daughter makes the situation even harder. As much as all along I have gotten excited about the prospect of them separating, with the possibility that it now could happen I don't like the idea as much. I wouldn't want to have to watch anyone, especially someone I care this much about, go through something like that.
So I have a week to wait and see what happens. We have made plans to speak next Saturday so at least I don't have to worry about him not contacting me during the week, I KNOW he's not going to. In a way, that makes things easier. I just have to wait to speak to him next week. I am hoping for options 2 or 3 but I also need to be prepared for it to be option 1. After all, they have been together a long time, and if he really wants to save his marriage he will do anything she asks him to. Until Saturday I am just going to try not to think about it all. I know now that he wants to save our friendship, otherwise he wouldn't have called me at all, he just would have tended to his wife. And he has told me this will not be the end of our friendship. As much as he keeps me hanging sometimes, he has always made good on what he tells me. I trust him, I love him. I truely believe he is my soulmate, and if all we can be is friends, then both of us will strive to make at least that happen.
I just can't stop thinking about his wife and how she must have felt opening that file and seeing those pictures. I remember so vividly the feelings I would get when I would check my ex's computer, the butterflies, the heart palpatations, the sudden feeling that everything you have come to know in your life has suddenly been destroyed and replaced with this person you don't know. I would not wish that feeling on anyone, and to know that pictures of me have caused someone else to experience that pain breaks my own heart. I am truly sorry to her and I just hope she has a good support system to help her recover. I'm not going to insult her by asking that she might be able to deal with it and forgive me, only that maybe she can cope with the help of her family.
So I might be AWOL for a while this week while I wait to hear from him. I just feel like a complete and utter fool right now, but at least now something that needed to change is going to change. He and I couldn't have gone one like this forever. Something eventually needed to happen so that we could both move on with our lives, in whatever direction, be that together or separately. Separately will near destroy me but I know eventually I'll get over it, and one day I'll feel love like his again
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