This weekend was amazing!!! Coming back here was way more difficult than I even imagined it would be. I got on the road early Thursday thanks to my boss letting me out at 2:30, and with the new route Mom and Dad showed me I was in Allentown dead on 8pm. I made it to Parkland just in time for the end of rehearsal and to catch up with the 2012 seniors. It was great seeing them all again, almost felt as if I had never left. Then home to hang out with the two best friends a girl could ask for. Being away from them for the last two months just made ma appreciate them even more!
Friday I went and got my hair done. My stylist in PA is amazing and I love what she did. I wish I could find someone up here nearly half as good for the crazy low price she charges me. Then I went up and hung out with the Northern Lehigh Bulldog Band for a while. Again, it was great to see all the kids and see them working hard again this year. I am a little concerned that there is no one to help out the colourguard so I need to get to work and try and find someone to help them out. I have a few idea, just need to know I can count on them to do a good job for the girls up there. They all love colourguard so much and in a town like Slatington there really is nothing else for them to do. After that I headed down to hang out at the pool with Mom. It was so relaxing. I miss them a lot. We spent some time catching up and I started to realise just how much I had missed in the last couple of months. After that we headed over to the show. Friday night is always the smaller night at DCI East but there were some great performances, including Phantom Regiment who blew me away!
Saturday was chilled out to start but then I headed over to the NJA clinic for the afternoon. I would like to hopefully judge a couple of shows for them. I will have to see if my schedule permits. But it was so good to catch up with so many friends! Again, making me start to regret moving. Then back over to J Birney Crum for the second night of DCI awesomeness. Some of my favs for the night were Crossmen, Blue Stars, Madison and of course Cadets. All had great shows and I loved every second. Saturday night was, however, somewhat over shadowed. He was supposed to call Saturday night, and of course, he didn't. He did text me but only after I text him. It felt like he had just completely moved on and was just cutting me out, even though he promised he never would. I kinda wish I had been strong enough not to even chase him.
Sunday morning breakfast was its usual amzingness. So yummy! Then after a quick crazy cone I got on the road back to Mass. I had somewhat of a heavy heart, but at the same time I knew I also had great friends. No matter what was going on I would be ok. After a couple of hours of driving and mindless thinking I came to the conclusion that I was mad at him, and that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Then what happens, just as I finish my rant to myself, my phone rings and there he is. We spoke for about 20 mins. He just said that everything is ok with his wife but that our friendship is going to change. He needs distance from me. He cancelled our trip to Maine and then drove the dagger in even deeper by telling me he might take his wife instead. It just about broke my heart. I just got the impression that despite the fact he said we would stay in touch, this was his way of ending our friendship and any relationship that we had.
So I really don't know how I am feeling right now. I know this is what has to happen, and I think for the first time I may just be ready. But I can't help the tiny voice inside me that is telling me not to give up on him, and that it's worth fighting for. But I can't do this anymore. It's killing me. I gave up on him once and he found me again after eight years apart. If him and I really are meant to be together then we will be. I'm just tired of forcing it. I really value his friendship but I know that deep down it's more than that and all the time I hold on to that I am never going to heal. I want to see him one last time and tell him how I feel to his face. Let him see me walk away and know that he blew his last chance with me. If he is able to watch me walk away then I will be free to heal knowing that he doesn't want me enough to change right now, and maybe he just never will, but at least this way I won't be left waiting forever!
I am going to go and see a shrink. I called this morning about an apointment but they didn't get back to me yet. I will call again in a little while. I think I need it. For the first time in my life I am scared of myself. I have had suicidal thought before but never really seriously. This time I really do feel that I could pose a danger to myself and that scares me terribly! So I am going to go see someone. We will see what happens I guess.
Right now I am numb. I need to keep busy and keep my mind active, and above all avoid contacting him. I have thought about deleting all traces of his number from my phone but I want to speak to him one last time, even though I know thats probably not a smart move. I just hate feeling so torn. I desperately want to heal and move on but I also don't want to let him go. This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life!
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