What a boring weekend. I basically did nothing. After the drama with my roommate on Friday I changed my motorcycle class back to next weekend so I ended up with absolutely no plans from Friday night onwards. Friday I was hoping for a call from him but of course, nothing. It was ok, I figured he was probably just tired and passed out. It actually didn't bother me as much as usual, maybe a sign that I am finally moving on. Saturday I sat at home like a bum all day. I watched a tv show from the 90s that I never really got into back then but now I'm kind of addicted. Unfortunately they only made one season so after the one episode I have left I would have seen them all. Saturday night I met up with a friend for dinner, a much needed social connection by that point in the day. Did a little grocery shopping and then headed home again for more tv. Sunday pretty much the same deal, tv all day, a quick dinner with my roommate when she got home and then the Olympic closing ceremony. My roommate and I are getting on better now, just a little cautious after last Friday's episode. And finally, around 8:30 last night, he called. We chatted for about 20 minutes. It was nice, he was interested in my day and what I had been up to. We tried to keep the discussion strictly plutonic and succeeded I think for the most part which I was glad of. Of course I missed him as soon as he put the phone down but we have made arrangements to speak again next week and hopefully, this one call a week and almost no texting will be just what I need to be able to move on but keep him in my life on someway. He still doesn't seem completely happy with his life but I am tired of reading into that and trying to tell him it could be better. There are many things that are great about his life, and I think they are what is holding him down there. Some people are content to live their lives that way and if he is then there will never be anything that will change that. But I am not waiting for him anymore. I am going to try and move on and see him purely as nothing more than a great friend who I know deep down will always be there if I need to talk.
So what else is on my mind besides him? Well I am seriously considering moving out. I know I have a sweet deal with my roommate, but the truth is, I miss living on my own. There are problems with my roommate as far as me feeling like a house guest a lot of the time. I want my independance back. Problem is, after paying off all of my debt recently my savings are zero and therefore, no security deposit. I did find one place that I am hoping to go and see tonight where the landlord isn't asking for a deposit, but he also has other people going to look tonight so the fact that I would need to wait at least a month before moving might put him off a bit. I hope he will realise that I would be a great tenant and hold it for me anyway.
Another thing that has been getting to me is my job. It is Monday morning at 9am and I already have nothing to do. I can't work like this. I need something that keeps me busy all the time, something that holds my attention. I have way too many things that my mind starts to wander to when I am not kept busy and that cannot happen. Also I need more money. After being here 2 months now I realise that it's next to impossible to make a living up here on what I earn. I need to find a higher paying job, one I know will keep me busy. I emailed my recruiter this morning to see if he can help me out. I know there are opportunities out there and I think I just need to jump in and take them.
Drum corps is over now and that means winterguard is just around the corner. I am excited for the fall. It's my favourite time of year. I love it as the weather starts to get cooler and colourguard season gets underway. Of course, this is also the time of year I really wish I had someone in my life to do things with. Pumpking picking, walks in the forest, strolls on the beach. Also I will have to deal with the fact that at the beginning of October I will have been single for an entire year. I think that may well be the longest I have been single since I was 21. I will also have to deal with the fact that he has been back in my life for a year in November and what a crazy year it has been. I almost feel like it was a wasted year, my last of my 20s, and also one of the hardest I have ever been through. But I also truely believe that this year I discovered who I am and that I am worth a damn. Whoever I do eventually meet and fall in love with, and I really hope I do one day, he will value me for who I am and love the person that he is with. Now I just need to let him find me.
So thats where I'm at this morning. I feel ok. I know that my bi-polar tendancies recently could mean that in ten minutes I'll be on the hysterical verge of tears, but I hope that doesn't happen. If I could just continue on from here, deal with everything systematically, and just try and concentrate on the things in my life that I can control then I hope that I am starting to heal. I know there is still a long way to go, and at times it's going to be really tough. But I am still hoping and praying that eventually, I will get there. I will be happy.
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