Part of the Problem

I think I may have figured out a huge part of the problem. I only think about him when I'm alone and bored. When there are people around me and I am having a good time he doesn't even enter my thoughts. Last night I had a great time with friends and I didn't really think about him once, even with babies all over the place, which usually do make me think of him seeing as he has a kid and I would give anything to be the mother of his child. But last night I just really had a good time. I think its the kind of people that are important too. Some of my friends, although they mean well, are in similar situations to me, and they make mind worse but asking me about it and giving their opinions. But my friends last night are just so like me that they know exactly how to take my mind off of it. I also realised just how much I miss my friend from PA who I was up visiting last night. Out of all my friends down there I think the two of us are the most alike and therefore, get on so well when it's just the two of us. I know she doesn't want to stay in PA and I would give anything to get her to move up here. She went to school up here and lived here for a few years after that so she wouldn't be a rookie to New England. She is what I think of as a real New England girl, just like me. I wish she would move up here!

Tonight I am going to watch DCI at the movies with some more great friends. It's going to be tough to make it through all of them though. It's starts at 6:30 and I'm pretty sure it's live. There are 15 groups that we will be watching so thats a lot of drum corps. Not expecting to be out of their much before midnight. He said he would call me tonight. I won't be able to answer and maybe that will get him worried. He's knows I always answer when we make plans to speak. I'll text him the next morning maybe and see if we can chat Sunday. Thats the best day for me although it puts a downer on the whole week, or at least it did this past week. I know I should just cut all contact for a while, but I'm terrified if I do that we will never talk again and I really don't want that to happen. This is a transition I can handle for right now I think.

So excited for my motorcycle training next week. I also want to find some time to go to six flags or something but we will have to wait on that I think. So many things I want to do but money is now kinda tight and the feeling of loneliness doesn't go away. I try and do things on my own but then I'll see a young family and my heart will ache for a moment. I have never wanted a family more than I do right now. I really want nothing more than to have a husband and a baby! That's why giving him up is proving so difficult!