Therapy

I went to therapy last night. I wish I could say I left feeling great but I didn't. I know it's a slow and painful path I have to travel and to expect an instant fix was silly. I did feel somewhat relieved to talk to someone about everything thats been going on. I wanted to avoid crying but of course as soon as I got in her office I lost it. As soon as anyone asks me what's wrong when I'm feeling like this I lose it. I think sometimes I'm just so desperate to feel that someone cares but then as I am speaking I can't help but feel like I'm just complaining about stupid things that I shouldn't be whining about. But she was nice, she sat and listened and didn't judge. She tried to reassure me that it's ok to still be single at 30 and that a lot of people don't get married until later in life. Also that I should be proud of how far I have come and that it is definitely an achievement. I am planning to go back next Wednesday and then after that maybe every other week. It is definitely nice to know that there is someone out there who I can speak to and even if it's only for an hour a week, I can escape the real world and just get all my emotions out.

I have formed a close friendship with one of the ladies at my work. She is going through a recent separation from her husband of 17 years and she is such a huge support. Yesterday when I pulled into work and saw her car wasn't in the parking lot I was really disappointed. I was glad she was back in today. It's just comforting to know that I'm not alone in my pain and that this happens to other people, and they get through it. I am so envious of the people who never have to experience this but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that apart from fight the feeling of jealousy and try and rationalise my feelings. I go through stages daily right now. One moment I am completely fine and the next I feel like my heart is falling out of my chest! It's the worst feeling ever. I text him this morning. I really didn't want to but I couldn't resist. I didn't get a reply and I pretty much expected that's how it would be. I don't even want to think about it right now.

This weekend is going to be tough. I have no plans at all. I was hoping to be going to a birthday party Sunday but my roommate and her friend don't want to go so I'm not going either. My roommate has class on Saturday and not sure what her plans for Sunday are. Hoping so bad that they want to do something. I'd really like to go to the beach but going on my own just really isn't fun. Tonight I have no plans but tomorrow night I am planning to go up to Maine to see my friend from PA who is up there with her family right now. Also while I am there I am hoping to meet up with the guy I met last weekend. He is really nice. After everything that has happened this week I don't know if I'm ready to feel anything for anyone yet but I do like spending time with him. It may be just what I need. Then Thursday is DCI quarter-finals at the movies. I'm going with a couple of friends so that will be a nice distraction.

I just want this feeling to pass now. I want to feel ok. I want to smile and not have everything somehow remind me of him. I miss him so much, the feeling is almost unbarable right now. The thought of doing anything, even anything as trivial as going to the store, doesn't even bare thinking about. What the hell is wrong with me!!!!!