Mid-Week Meh

I never know what to call these posts. Today is Wednesday and despite the fact I was excited to go to Maine tonight, and in a way, still very much am, I have hit that 3pm funk. I have made it through most of the day without thinking about the thing I shouldn't be thinking about too much. Work has been a little busier than normal which is nice for a change. But now everything is caught up and my mind is left to wonder again. I text him again today. I wish I could resist. But just that small connection helps me in the imediate effect but I know it is just delaying the healing process in the long run. I asked if we could talk Friday. I said I had something to ask him but I don't. I need think of something so I don't sound like a crazy person when he calls. He replied and said he couldn't Friday but can tomorrow. I said that was fine, even though it's not. I have plans tomorrow and won't be able to answer. But I'll let him call me. Then I'll just call him back later or the next morning or something. It will buy me a little more time to think of something to ask him. I have a couple of things I would like to say but I don't think I'm brave enough.

So tonight I'm headed up to Maine to see one of my best friends from PA. Oh and my other best friend got the job she wanted today. It's great news for her because it will be the first real job she's ever had. Hopefully it is a step in the right direction for the career that she wants. But yeah I'm headed to Maine after work. And the guy I met the other weekend is coming too. He seems keen to hang out even though he barely knows me and doesn't know my friend at all. So I am hoping that is a good sign, a sign that maybe he is interested in me. As I said a few days ago, after everything that has happened recently I don't know if I'm ready to date anyone yet. But on the other hand, maybe this is exactly what I need to get over him. Who knows. I'm just going to try and go with the flow.

Tomorrow night is DCI in the movies, then Friday and Saturday I'm home alone. Trying to think of some projects at home that I could get on with. I do have housework to do, cleaning etc. Then my roommate has mentioned that she would like to go up to the Lake Saturday night. I really do need to get out but I can't afford the usual crazy drinking fest that we normally go through up there. So maybe I can convince her of a relaxed Saturday night in on the lake, then some jet skiing and swimming Sunday before heading home. As of next week, no plans yet. Next Friday will be the worst I am fearing. That was the day we were supposed to spend together in Maine. Not looking forward to now being in work, thinking about him and his wife up there having the fun that we were supposed to have together. It almost kills me that we just never got a chance! I have therapy again next week too, on Wednesday night. I'm thinking about asking her for something to take the edge off the way I have been feeling. I wake up every morning and I am in the weird place between sleep and awake where I wonder if I am dreaming. Then of course I realise this is real and he really is gone. My heart breaks every day for him, albeit, a little less painful each day. I just wish I could see him one last time even though I know that wouldn't do any good, would only make things harder and set me back even more. I know I can do this, I have done it before. I think the problem is I don't want to. I don't want to let him go.

I hope tonight goes well and we all have a good time. It is just want I need, a night out with good friends. The thought of moving back to PA has been racing through my head. I know I just need to give life a chance up here. Once I get involved in colourguard a little more on the circuit up here I know it will be easier. I just need to stick it out! I have decided I am marching this winter. I'm also going to try and teach the open guard full time. I'm kinda hoping that by doing that they may give me a discount on the World dues. It was around $1000 back in '04 so I can only imagine it must have doubled since then. We shall see. But I am definitely marching. It was why I moved here, and I miss it so much. The thrill of performing makes me happier than anything. It will completely fill my spare time throughout the winter but I don't care. All the time I'm single I might as well do what I want to do with my spare time. The right guy will work around my schedule if he really wants me, and right now, that is the only type of guy I am interested in. I'm going to go out on a good one for my retirement year, and who knows, maybe even a WGI medal.