Is This What Healing Feels Like?

I feel good today but that in itself concerns me. I don't know why it concerns me, I wonder if I am concerned for the wrong reasons and, therefore, not actually healing at all. Oh my goodness, that in intself sounds completely messed up.

I haven't spoken to him since Monday and he didn't return my text yesterday. But I feel ok about it. But that concerns me because a huge part of me isn't ready to get over him yet. I want to clutch on to some hope. But I think my sub-concious has maybe finally had enough and made up it's own mind. I'm definitely happy that I feel ok about all this but at the same time I'm terrified it's going to come crashing down. I spoke to my therapist about this last night and she just told me to be assertive and watch out for the warning signs and if I do start to fall apart to catch myself quick and try and limit the damage. I am anxious to see what is going to happen to me if I do crash and burn. I just hope that I can hold it together.

I am seeing this other guy again tonight. He is cooking me dinner at his place. I'm pretty sure I know what he is expecting tonight, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to. I like him, I don't know if I could see anything coming of this but for right now I like him. So I'm kinda just thinking what the hell, I could really do with a nice romantic evening, even if it does stop there, and who's to say it will. Plenty of people sleep together on the SECOND date. At least I resisted on the first. And just because in previous instances after sleeping together things don't seem to go any further doesn't mean that that will happen this time. I guess I will find out. Either way, I am definitely looking forward to tonight. He is a great kisser so hoping that is a sign of what's to come. He makes me feel sexy and wanted and I love that feeling, it's what I have been craving for a long time and unfortunately, up until now, I have only managed to find the feeling of being a sexual object for the men I've dated. None of them have been interested in anything more. But I just have the smallest feeling that this time is different.

Tomorrow is the day we were supposed to go to Maine. I remember thinking about this three weeks ago, imagining how excited I was going to be. It breaks my heart that we aren't going, but in a way, I know it's for the best. Things probably would have happened that shouldn't have and it more than likely would have destroyed our friendship. So that thought is at least a little comforting. I don't really want to think a whole lot more about it so thats all I'm going to say.

So here's to an exciting evening tonight. Just looking forward to this boring work day being over so I can go have some fun, and maybe get a little bit naughty. It's definitely been a while :)