As planned he called me last night. I don't know why I insist on it really, because just like always, I am left feeling crappy the day after. Speaking to him just makes me miss him even more, when after not speaking to him for a week or so I was actually not missing him as much as usual and was doing ok with the lack of contact.
So what did we talk about. Well I found out a lot last night. Here's a run down. Him and his wife did go to Maine on Friday, the trip that him and I were supposed to take. That sent pains shooting through my heart for a moment which felt terrible. I also found out a lot about the way his mind works when it comes to his marriage. Basically he does love his wife but he worries about the amount they have grown apart after only being married for three years. He said they had so much on common when they were young but now he has grown up and she has failed to. He told me she is a pot head which completely blew me away. To be thirty with a kid and still smoke weed makes me so angry. She doesn't deserve a child or a husband who works so hard and wants to build a family with her. He also told me that his father-in-law owns their house and it worries him should his wife ever kick him out. Basically all the suspicions I had of why he stays were true. He is trapped down there. He talked about how he would have no home, he would probably lose his job. He is scared that his wife would take most of his paycheck and that he would be left with nothing. I completely understand how he feels. I lost everything when I got divorced and had to start over. I was 26 when that happened. As of today (it's his birthday) he is 29 and the thought of having to lose everything and start over would scare the crap out of me too, especially as he has so much to lose. He has a house, a job, a kid, a nice truck..... all of that would go out the window. So I understand why he stays. I just wish there was a way for me to make him see that staying for those reasons will never fix things. He will be unhappy for the rest of his life. When things start to go bad you need to save all the time you can. I learned that the hard way and it seems that is how he will learn too. When I told him I was looking to buy a house soon he told me I should wait, rather than being excited for me. I thought this was odd but maybe it's his subconcious telling him that he wishes him and I could start a life together, some cute little beach front fixer upper on the south shore. It would be difficult, but with the way I feel about him, and as happy as I know we would be, money and property would only be small factors in the equation.
But all the time he feels like this I cannot go on breaking my own heart. I want to walk away but there is still that tiny part of me that clings on to the hope that one day he will realise that we were meant to be, and he will have the courage to walk away from a situation that makes him unhappy. But waiting around for that might just kill me. It's time to move on with MY life!
Hopefully this other guy I have started seeing will turn into something. I do like him a lot, although right now I am freaking out about getting close to someone. We have dinner plans tonight but as of right now I haven't heard from him since noon yesterday. Makes me a little worried but I'm sure everything is fine. We have plans and I would hope that he would tell me if anything was up. We will see how things go
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