Here We Are Again

So yet again I am in that place where he is ignoring me, despite the fact he always promised me he never would. A sone came on my Pandora this morning that just made me think about our relationship, as friends, or whatever we try to be:

Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder

what I am to you

Sometimes that way that I act makes me angry

to be part of the things you do

 

I related to these words in such a huge way and realised that this is our relationship. The way he acts makes it so unclear to me as to what I mean to him. One minute he wants to talk to me and tells me he can't control himself around me. That I am his weakness. But then when I offer to walk away and leave him to get on with his life he says he doesn't want that. However, he will go days at a time without talking to me, ignoring my messages, and just acting like he doesn't care how I feel at all. I just don't get it! It used to upset me, but thank goodness, it is finally making me mad!

 

Then there are the things I do to feel like I am still a part of his life. I don't even want to list them on here, but I know that there are plenty of stupid things I have gone out of my way to do to feel like I am still a part of his life, which really, I'm not. I need to make my life about me, and thankfully, I am finally starting to do that with the help of a few new things in my life.

 

Number 1 - I am moving! Apart from some recent drama over my move date and the fact that I will technically be homeless for two weeks, I am still so excited to get moved into my new place. A place to call my own and make my own! It's tiny which means it won't take a lot to make it feel cozy! I bought a rug for the living room this weekend and some curtains and things. I am going to hold off on buying anything else until I know exactly what I need and where its all going to go. But I am so ready to be my own person again and be finished with the whole roommate crap!

 

Number 2 - I am teaching a lot this winter! I was originally teaching Sac Open and Acton-Boxborough. But this weekend I was asked if I wanted to help out with the World guard too. What an honor, to be asked to help teach a World Class colourguard. I am so excited to be working with them! So I am going to incredibly busy doing something I love, a reason to wake up on my otherwise empty and lonely weekends.

 

Number 3 - A potential new relationship on the horizon. I have told you about a reconnection with someone from my past who, at the time, I never even really spoke to. But recently we have been speaking a lot and we have grown pretty close. Unfortunately he lives in Pennsylvania, but that may actually work to my advantage. I know what I am like when I really like someone new. I can get pretty heavy, pretty fast and this usually scares them away. Being 6 hours apart is going to limit just how close we can get for right now. Hopefully this is something both of us can be serious about, but we will see. For right now I am just excited to spend the day with him in a couple of weeks and get to know him all over again. If it goes anywhere after that then that would be really nice, but I know it's a tall order for both of us to commit to something as long distance as Pennsylvania to Massachusetts. So we will see. But for right now it is definitely putting a smile on my face.

 

So there is life after him! As much as I would like my life to include him in some way, I cannot continue fighting for a friendship that he isn't prepared to work for as well. I need to back away and just let things work themselves out on there own. It's tough, but I deserve better than what he is willing to give right now.

Decision Time

I need to make my mind up about what I want to do this winter. Do I want to commit to marching and subject myself to the pain and financial hardship, give up all my weekends, but in the end achieve something amazing? Or do I accept that my marching days are over and spend my winter teaching the activity that I love. I am stuck between two great options. There are pros and cons to both. If I decide to march I am going to have to physically change a lot and subject my body to a lot of stress. I thought I would be ok, but this weekend proved that I am not in the same physical shape as I used to be. Also, the activity as a whole has progressed a lot since the days that I marched. It is a lot more dance and movement orientated, and whilst I know how to, I just don't know if my body can keep up with my brain anymore. I am not going to lie, I am in some considerable pain from this past weekend. Also the financial commitment is a lot. I have been told to expect dues of around $1400 and that really just isn't possible for me right now. Money is tighter than ever, thanks to some silly friverlous spending in recent months. I need to tighten my purse strings, not be committing myself to more pay outs. Finally, there is the time commitment. Every weekend between now and march besides three I would be at practice all weekend! If this new friendship/potential relationship/whatever it might be in PA is going to have any chance of going anywhere then committing all my time and funds elsewhere is probably not a good idea. I wouldn't be able to teach as much as I would like to, and any trips to go and see him would be impossible!

So if I don't march there are a lot of plusses. I would have some time at weekends to still have a social life. I would just continue to teach the open guard and also the high school guard. This would mean my only regular weekend rehearsal time would be Sunday evenings. Then three rehearsals during the week with the odd weekend camp for either guard. This would still give me my fill of colourguard and would allow me to still be creative, but without spending all that money and destroying my body in the process.

I think I have pretty much answered my own question here. As much as I really wanted to march this year it just seems financially and logistically impossible. I am old haha and my body is giving out. In terms of people in general I am in pretty good shape I would say. I am active, I enjoy exercising and adventure, but in terms of what is required to march a season with a World class colourguard, I just don't think I can handle it. I don't want to feel like a quitter, but there are just so many things working against me on this one.

Excited Feeling

I haven't felt this way for a while, and as much as the feeling is really nice, I am also terrified! I kinda met someone. Well actually I re-met someone. Someone who, 9 years ago, was in the same drum corps as me. I always remember him from back in those days. I remember thinking he was cute but at the time I was shy and also swept up in a summer romance with someone else. Since the end of that season we haven't been in contact, until recently, when through someone else I knew, I added him to FaceBook. We started talking and exchanged numbers and for the last week or so have been texting back and forth a lot. And when I go to PA for Columbus Day we are planning to hang out. Then he has said he would like to come up here at the end of October. I really like talking to him and he seems like an awesome guy. He has all the attributes that I look for. I feel like I am falling for him already, and from what he has told me, he likes me a lot too. He has told me on a number of occassions he wish he had spoken to me before and that I should move back to PA. I love the way it feels right now, but I am nervous. I have been in situations like this before and always ended up hurt and dissapointed. I am trying to be smart about everything this time. But right now, after recent events with the other person in my life, it's nice to finally feel genuinly excited about someone else.

This weekend I was hoping to see the other person in my life right now. I really want to be cool with the whole friendship thing. I am past hoping for anything more now, finally! Saturday we were supposed to hang out and going to a beer festival in Plymouth. But of course, as I almost certainly knew he would, he let me down. He said it was out of his control, but I don't know if that is true or not. Some friends of his decided they wanted to go. My problem is, if he really was cool with us just being friends then he would have been able to tell his friends he already had plans and wouldn't have blown me off for them. But of course, as I am his secret friend, he couldn't do that for risk of suspicion! It makes me so angry!!! Then we have spoken both nights and of course the innuendos came flowing freely from him. Last night I was just tired of it so I told him I was going to sleep! I'm not going to be that to him. I sincerely thought I meant more than that to him, but I'm starting to feel otherwise. If that's really the only reason he wants me in his life then I am not interested in being his friend. I am glad now that rather than feel upset with all this I am finally getting mad at him! I am better than that!

So here's to a good week. I am a little confused over my emotions right now but feeling better than I have been in recent weeks. So I plan just to ride the wave for right now and see what happens. Lots going on for me right now so I just need to live in the moment for a bit and enjoy it.

Therapy

I have been exploring a few different options recently to help my mental state. I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now and last night's appointment went really well. We ended up talking about a lot of things, but the main points of coversation became my parents and my on off relationship with him. It was good to talk to someone who wasn't there to judge me, and although I did feel like the things I was saying sounded pathetic and childish, they are the issues I am working through right now and for that reason it was good to talk about them.

I have also been to a couple of ACA meetings. ACA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dis-Functional Families. It is a group which understands that learned behaviours of children who grew up in a family like that often stay with us when we are older and we learn that this is the only method of survival. It affects all aspects of our adult lives from forming relationships to fear and isolation. All the traits are so similar to the way I am and live my life that I thought it would be a perfect way to try and deal with my issues. I have been to two meetings so far and intend to go when I can. Unfortunately the one I would like to go to is on Sundays and rehearsals will most definitely get in the way of that soon.

I haven't spoken to him in a few days and I am ok with that. We have made plans to speak tonight but whether he will remember or not is another question. A part of me wants to speak to him and a part of me doesn't. I want to be ok with just the friendship deal as I had started to become before last week but I don't know if I will be. Also we had made provisional plans to see each other on Saturday. He said he won't be able to let me know for sure until around 5pm that day, and I have a pretty strong feeling he will find a reason that he can't make it. But seeing as he suggested it in the first place I would hope that he wouldn't back out. It would be so good to see him, especially as I just want to make sure we can be friends. The last time we met for a drink was great, until we went back to his truck. I could have walked away at any minute, but he took things too far and then freaked out and backed off. I definitely do not want that to happen again! I love him, but I will not be a part of an affair. If he wants any part of me he has to have all of me or nothing at all. So we will see if he bails on Saturday.

I have reconnected with a few guys from my past recently. One of them in particular that I really liked a lot. I met him back in December, right after the whole disaster happened with my married guy, so the wounds were very fresh. It meant that I didn't really even give him the time of day. We went on two dates and didn't even kiss until the second one. I wasn't emotionally available, and that coupled with my crazy school schedule meant that nothing ever came of it. I then moved up here and we haven't really spoken much since. But recently we have been speaking a little and I came to realise that if I had just given it a chance I think something nice may have come of it. Of course, not I live in Massachusetts and he lives in Pennsylvania, so any hope of rekindling anything is pretty slim. But I have told him that I plan to head back to PA a couple of times before Christmas and when I do he said he would love to hang out. So we will see. It would be nice to see him. He is a great guy, well-rounded, with a good head on his shoulders. He has a good job and owns a house, both things that I find attractive.

Reconnecting with him, amoungst other great guys from my past has made me realise just how much time I have wasted on a guy who doesn't know what he wants. He needs to figure it out, because I feel soon I will make up his mind for him and I will be lost to him forever!

Feeling Used!

I hate that I let this happen and I wish I had a defense mechanism that stopped it from happening, but after a meeting I went to for ACA last night I finally know why it might keep happening and maybe even eventually through the help of the program I may be able to train myself to avoid it.

But let's back up a bit and let me tell you about my latest issue! This time rather than feeling upset and hurt I am more mad so maybe I am changing without even realising it. Wednesday night I spoke to him. We had been planning to speak for a few days, just in the friendship way that we have slotted into, which I was doing absolutely fine with. We spoke about the business idea I had been working on and then I mentioned that I was going on the tree top adventure Saturday. He said that him and a friend were thinking of doing that too. So after we got off the phone I texted him our start time. The conversation then continued and it ended up with him telling me that we may be able to hang out next weekend at the Dogfish Head event at the BBC in Plymouth. He made a point of telling me it would be nice to have some "pretty" company and good beer. Of course this to me is him basically telling me he still thinks about me in that way and the flirting began. I knew I had to stop it so I avoided all his advances pretty well and we said good night. The next night he texted me again, I knew this time he was home and his wife would have been there. He told me he was chilling out in the basement. He started flirting again and again I did my very best to change the subject. Even after I said good night he continued to text me. The next night we texted briefly and then nothing all weekend. He hasn't responded to any of my messages. I feel like I was just being used last week now and that he wanted my attention, but now that I was getting used to us talking again on a regular basis he starts ignoring me! I have no idea why. I also don't know if we are going to get to see each other Saturday. Of course, even just the idea of seeing him gets me beyond excited, but I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. He will almost definitely find some reason that he can't make it. In fact, he probably knew he wouldn't be able to make it when he suggested it to me. If I do get to see him Saturday it will be nothing short of a miracle, but of course, because of my mental state I am clinging onto that hope. PATHETIC!!!!! And I am so angry at myself for letting him slip back into my mind and my heart!

Last night I went to a meeting of ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dis-functional Families. I was really nervous about sharing my story, but everyone there was so helpful. There is another meeting tonight that I think I might try and get to, this one is in Andover which is a little closer to me. It's a free service so I guess I should take advantage of it. Just that feeling of knowing I'm not alone is so helpful right now. It is a 12 step program and I have been warned the 12 steps are difficult. So eventually I will have to face my fears. But right now I just feel good knowing there are other people out there, some a lot worse off that me, who are in the same boat as me. I'm not a freak, I am just sick from a disease given to me by my parents.

If anyone who reads this, and I don't know if anyone does, but this if anyone has the same issues as me this link really helped me out:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/

What Will Be Will Be

I need to get back into the thinking pattern I was in before this weekend. I was feeling pretty good about everything. And then a weekend of talking to him and having my feelings crushed all over again sets me back into this spiral of depression. I know things are not good in his life and all I can do is just get on with my own life and leave his up to fate. If he ends up on his own then maybe we will end up where we should have been in the first place, but by that point maybe I would have met someone even better! You never can tell what tomorrow will bring. I need to start living for the moment. Too much time spent thinking about what could have been and regretting things I cannot change. I need to spend more time focussed on the here and now, and make my life something to jump out of bed for every morning. The only person who can do that is me :)

Greast Weekend....... But Now I Must Not Slip!

This weekend with my Dad was actually a lot better than I was thinking it might be. My Dad and I have an odd relationship. Despite the fact he was absent for such a huge part of my life he knows me better than anyone, and can get things out of me that no one else can.

So Thursday I picked him up, late of course thanks to stupid Boston traffic! We went to dinner and then turned in. Friday I had to work for a bit and then we just went into Boston for a late lunch/early dinner. Nothing to adventurous, just a nice walk around town. Saturday morning we went for a classic American diner breakfast and then headed back into the city. We did the tourist thing, including the Duck Tours which was a lot of fun!! Then dinner by my Dad's hotel and then an earlish night. Sunday we headed down to the Cape. It was so nice to go down there but also pretty difficult. The one of which I have done so well not to think about lately knew I was coming down and in the morning text me and told me to let him know when we would pass by where he worked. He kept contacting me, eager to find out when we would be driving past. I tried really hard not to let it distract me, but then as we stopped in at a park in his old home town of Brewster and I realise that I think this is the place he got married. It was tough to not think about him then. We drove through Eastham where he works and I managed to completely miss the fire station, which was probably a good thing. We headed up to Provincetown and had a walk around and a couple of drinks. It was nice and I gradually started to forget about him again. But then on the way back he waited outside his work and I saw him as we drove past. He specifically wanted me to let him know when we drove past so he could stand out there and wave. This is what I don't understand about him. We haven't really spoken for a few weeks now, not like we used to. And then when I am down there, he is insistant that he see me for a few seconds, although when I suggest stopping in to say hi he tells me not to. I just do not get it and it gives me that false sense of hope that he really wants to be with me. Grrrr I hate it! Anyways, that night he called and we chatted for a while, I was still doing pretty good at protecting my feelings by that point. It wasn't until I suggested we talk in a week or so and he said he would be around Tuesday to talk. I wonder why he is so desperate to talk to me again so soon, rather than after a week as we have been recently. Then yesterday he sends me a picture of himself. I was so surprised because I thought pictures were a no no now after what supposedly happened. Again, just like his wife's pregnancy back in November, I'm starting to think that she never really saw those pictures, something just doesn't add up. I think, again, like back in November, he realised things had gone too far and he needed a reason to stop talking to me, but he didn't want it to sound like it was his doing. I don't really know anymore. But all day yesterday he is texting me to find out how I am liking the Allagash Brewery where we went to take the tour. It was like old times when we would talk a lot. But then, all of a sudden, the texts stop because I know he is home, and I am left to feel like crap again. It kinda put a real downer on my last two days with my dad. I cannot escape this guy. I love him with all my heart, and my heart breaks even when I feel like I have done pretty good at getting past it all. August was probably the hardest month of all this, and I made it through the other side and felt ok. And now this weekend he has attempted to destroy all that and work his way back into my life again. It crushes me because this puts us back so far! It just feels like the early part of this year all over again, when I had started to move on and then I get dragged back. The last time started around St Patrick's Day, and it started off pretty much like this. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just wich he would see me so we can talk this out once and for all and he would make up his mind. But I don't see that happening somehow. He doesn't want to face it.

So my Dad is leaving today. I have to take a long lunch and drop him at the airport. A part of me wishes I was going too, escaping as I have so many times, to a different life. But I have to stop running. I am never going to find what I am looking for if I keep giving up every time it gets difficult. If only I hadn't had to "run" home back in 2004 maybe I would be happily married to the man of my dreams, instead of someone else getting to raise his child and bare his last name. That's what crushes me the most!

I can get past this, I have and I will again and again. I have the feeling deep down that if I just wait long enough everything will work out the way it is supposed to be. No love can be this strong and things seem this right and go un answered!

Dad's Here

My Dad got here safe and sound last night, although I was late to the airport to pick him up thanks to the stupid Boston traffic. I should have known really but for some reason I thought a trip down I-93 at 6pm on a week night wouldn't be an issue. I'm an idiot. Anyways, I left a message for him at the airport and eventually I go there to meet him. It was good to see him and he looked and acted just like I expected him to.

We went out for dinner and a beer and had a bit of a chat which was nice. Now my relationship with my parents is a bit odd. The fact that I can live 3000 miles away from them without any problem at all must tell you that. Yeah I miss them now and then, but not like a kid should miss their parents. And when I do see them, I feel awkward around them, like I barely know them anymore. I guess my mind is sub-conciously trying to remember them how they were when I was really young, when we were happy, and not the mess that our family eventually turned into. And my relationship with my Dad is very different to my relationship with my Mum. I worry about my Mum a lot. I feel like I am the parent when I am with her, like I need to make sure she is ok, and constantly worry about how she is going to act or what she is going to do. I sometimes just feel like I want to grab her and shake some sense into her, but I don't. My Mum and I do things like go shopping and the girly stuff. But when we don't do the interlectual stuff, like sightsee or anything because in the past when we have done that she just seems bored. It's sad because those are the things I love doing, taking in the beauty of how something looks, but I feel like she just isn't interested, and thats something that shows just how different her and I are. My Dad is the complete opposite. He loves the interlectual stuff, and some of the conversations my Dad and I have are the most stimulating and interesting conversations I have ever had. We talk about music, politics, history, geography, current events, the list goes on and on. And we will talk for hours. It's when I feel the closest to my Dad. Even when I can tell he is obviously pretty drunk, he still manages to hold a decent conversation. Last night when I picked him up he sat in the car on the way home from the airport and just marvelled at the Boston skyline in the sunset. This is something I do all the time. Just soaking up the amazement of everything around me. He appreciates all that stuff, like I do.

So although I am a lot closer to my Mum than I am my Dad, every time I spend time with him I am reminded about how much we have in common. It makes me realise just what I probably missed out on as a kid, not having him around during the most important years of my life, while I was forming the identity of who I was to become. I don't think I turned out bad in any way, I just wish I had had the chance to have a relationship with him like most daughters do with their Dad. Even after the years we spent apart I am still very much my father's daughter, and I just wonder what I would have been like if he had had more to do with raising me. I guess it's one of those things in life that one shouldn't dwell on, and I try not to.

So this weekend should definitely be fun. I have to work for a bit this morning but then we are going to go for a late lunch and then into Boston this afternoon and walk around the harbour. Then I'm not sure which way round we are going to do the weekend but on one day we are going to spend the day in Boston, and on the other we are going to head to the Cape. Then Monday a trip up to Maine to take in the Allagash Brewery Tour which should be a lot of fun. I have a feeling this weekend is going to go by pretty fast. I hope my Dad has fun here, I know I am definitely glad to have someone around who likes doing the stuff I like doing, it definitely makes me happy he is here.

I AM MOVING!

It's official, I am moving at the end of September. I was completely in two minds about the whole thing last night. There were so many pros and cons for both options. But I realised that this apartment, despite the initial things I will have to deal with, is exactly what I am looking for. Sure it might be old and dirty, and absolutely tiny, but the way the interior looks can be fixed, and the teeny tineyness, well, that will just add to it's charm.

So the basic layout is, you go into the kitchen. The kitchen is long and narrow with the stove and refridgerator on the right and the sink straight ahead. There is pretty much no counter space at all so I plan to put one, if not both my old dressers along the wall opposite the stove and fridge. This will give me some counter space and extra storage.

The bathroom is off the kitchen, on an angle between the sink and the stove. The bathroom is small but has a tub with a shower above it. After an initial bleach and scrub I am looking forward to a nice soak once again. The walls are painted a dark blue right now, which as there is no window in there, makes the room really dark. So I asked that they paint the bathroom to a nuetral colour before I move in. Actually I asked that he paint everything, along with the ceilings, which currently show the signs of smokers having lived there a while.

To the right of the front door is the biggest room, the living room. I say biggest room, but it is still only 12' x 10'. But a checked last night and my couch and chair should just about fit with maybe room for a small coffee table. I am planning on putting my new dresser from ikea in the living room and using it as an entertainment stand. I think it would fit in the bedroom but would leave next to no space to move in there. So I will put it in the living room. Luckily ikea make an entire range of the furniture I have in my room so I will be able to get a coffee table to match and maybe an end table with a big lamp or something. It is definitely going to be the cozy little country cottage living room I have often thought about. Did I mention the ceilings are wicked low. Not sure of the actual height but they definitely aren't standard height.

Straight ahead from the kitchen, through the living room is a really good sized laundry/storage room. There are hookups which was a big bonus, but unfortunately no washer and dryer, I will have to get those, but you can usually find some good deals on craigslist. I am going to see about putting up one of those storage systems in there that you can buy at home depot, the wire shelving units etc. This will give me space to store a lot of crap and also the over run of clothes that won't fit in my closets.

Off of the living room is the bedroom. The bedroom is tiny! It measures 9' x 10' at the widest part, but there is a closet that sticks out and takes up some of the room. When I went to see it she had her bed under the window with a dresser at the end of it. This completely filled the room. The bed was a queen, like mine, but I would arrange the furniture differently in there, with my bed on the wall facing the window rather than under it. This will also help with the heat in the winter. The bedroom has two closets without doors. She currently had a ratty curtain over the openings. I would probably take these down and just have the closets open. I keep things pretty neet so I don't see the point in closing in the already small space by adding a curtain. There is a small window in the bedroom, which again had a ratty curtain on it. I would like to get a nice curtain to match my brown and teal theme thoughout my whole place. Everything I have pretty much follows those colours. So hopefully I will be able to go to the Christmas Tree Shopp or Ross and find some cheap curtains and maybe some rugs too. The floors are all wood so I see that becoming a little cold in the winter. Will be nice to have some warmth under foot.

And that's it. As I said, it's very small, but perfect for one person. When I was there a couple were also looking at it. I can't imagine two people trying to live there. Once I have finished decorating and cleaning it up I think it is going to be a really nice and cozy little home. I am signing a one year lease but who knows what will happen after that. I have most of the things I need to get moved in and settled. My small shopping list will just comprise of a coffee table and possible end tables, some rug and curtains and eventually the storage system for the laundry room. Oh and I will also need to buy a microwave as I gave mine away when I moved.

I told my roommate today. She didn't respond yet but our other friend messaged me and told me she was sad so I know she got the message. I'll give her a call on my way home from work today. She is away right now so it's been tricky letting her know. I had to send her an email and then tell her to check it. I hated doing it that way but I had to give her a month's notice which will be this weekend. So that is done, now I can start planning my new home. Oh and Verizon Fios is available out there which is a definite advantage :)

New Apartment?

I think I found a new place to live yesterday. I was scanning craigslist, not expecting to find a whole lot, when I happened across an ad for a one bedroom apartment in North Reading, on a pond. They were asking $795 plus utilities. Now this would mean spending more money as I currently pay $800 with everything included. But I called the guy up and went to see it last night. I get there and the place looks nice, the drive there was awesome from work, hardly any traffic, and the street is quiet and peaceful. It turns out that the lady in the one apartment, the current landlords sister, wants to move into the apartment that is about to become vacant. So I view her apartment instead. It's very small and the kitchen is old and mis-matched. But it has everything I need, including a laundry room with hook ups for a washer and dryer. And here's the best part. Because it's smaller than the apartment I was originally going to see, and it faces the road instead of the pond with a deck, they only want $700 a month for it, plus he told me its cheaper to heat too. He called me last night and sent me the rental application and pretty much told me it's mine if I want it. And as a completely added bonus, he is willing to wait until October 1st for me to move in because I paid my current roommate a month in advance. Everything is just telling me this move is meant to be. Compared to where I live now it will definitely be a comfort shock. I have kinda been spoiled for the last three months with the luxury of our new townhouse. But this move would be a step in the right direction of becoming completely independant again. My own front door, my own bills, free to decorate however I want to, mine mine mine. So I am going to run a few numbers today but I am pretty set on this. I think I am moving! I set out a list of goals yesterday, and today I am fulfilling one. I think that's pretty good going if you ask me!

Time for an Update

It's been a few days since I updated this. Maybe that is because, sub-conciously, I am dealing with my inner deamons a little better, and feel that I don't need to air them out quite as much as I did before. I don't really know. I think it has something to do with the fact I am becomming a little busier outside of work and just not thinking about the things that upset me quite as much as I normally do. Anyways, I thought I would write today and see what came out.

This weekend was amazing! I went down to PA to see my friend perform, something I have been meaning to do all season. It just reminded me what I left behind in order to move here. I keep telling myself that I moved here to better my life, and culturally I did. But I am not really any better off financially and emotionally I am dealing with the same issues that I dealt with back in Allentown, only now I don't have the friend network to help me through it. The loneliness does get to me a considerable amount up here and although I do like living up here I miss a lot of aspects about my life in Allentown. I think if I just could have found a job there that paid better I may never have left. I am still struggling financially up here, not quite as bad, but if I have any hope of moving out on my own I will be back in exactly the same spot! I know I need to give it some time up here, once winterguard gets started I will make new friends and will hopefully start to feel some of the love I felt in TIA. I am a little concerned from past experiences with the circuits up here, about clicks and people's attitudes, but I hope that people will have grown out of that and that I can just have a good time like I always did working with TIA in PA.

This week is going to be a little odd. My Dad gets here on Thursday, and as much as my Dad and I have an odd relationship, I am looking forward to spending some time with him. He is family after all and that is something I spend a lot of time without. It's getting to be my favourite but also one of the hardest times of year for me. Thanksgiving and then Christmas to deal with, both of which I love, but come the actual day when I am alone and thinking about everyone else spending time with their families, it can be tough. But who knows, maybe come the holidays I won't be alone, anything is possible!

I am not really sure what's going on with the guy that I was seeing. We spent pretty much every night together last week and it was nice, apart from the last night. He said some things that showed me pretty much what he is looking for right now, and it is not a relationship like he claimed. To be honest, I don't know if I was looking for a relationship with him either. So I am not going to push the matter this week. I'll wait for him to text me. I have a busy week ahead and won't have time to hang out after tonight anyway.

I think I am finally ready for some me and my friends time. The people who really matter in my life! I am feeling ok about the situation with you know who, we have become pretty distant. We are still talking once in a while, but I think I am finally ready to let sleeping dogs lie. I am about to enter into a busy part of the year for me and in the small amount of free time I am going to have there are so many other things I want to work on for me:

NEW APARTMENT

SCHOOL

MORE MONEY

MOTORCYCLE

MAKE NEW FRIENDS

SPEND TIME WITH OLD FRIENDS

 

So there hopefully won't be too much time to stop and worry about things I cannot control. Here's hoping this is the breakthrough I have been waiting for!

 

But on today's agenda, new apartment. I have seen a few that I could probably just about afford. I have set myself a move date of November 1st so I'm going to make some calls today and see what happens. Wish me luck! Here's to a great Monday, a fantastic week and an amazing end to 2012!

Thinking Positive Thoughts

I am so tired of thinking negatively! So I am going to try really hard to do something about it. This whole thing thats been going on for the last 10 months has gotten out of hand and should never have affected me like it has. I almost feel like a lost an entire year of my life, my last year of my 20s, and I hate that it feels wasted. But when I catch myself thinking like that I have to stop and think of a few things positively about this year:

• I probably wouldn't have moved back to Massachusetts if he hadn't contacted me back in November. If that had been the case I would still be working a crappy job and living in a dingy apartment in a crummy town with no hope for my future. As much as I know I moved for the wrong reasons, at least now I see the hope of raising my children one day in New England, so they can have a similarly cultural start to what I had in life. Raising my children in the Lehigh Valley didn't even bare thinking about
• I have made some great new friends since moving here, and become closer with old friends
• I am living in a part of the world that I find exciting. Despite the difficult memories that I see every day, I love living here, and I know that I am where I belong

So those are just a few positives that I am trying to take away from 2012. And it's only August. My favourite part of the year is still to come, and who knows what it will bring with it. A year ago I was in an unhappy crumbling relationship, making barely any money, and killing myself with classes towards a degree that realistically, I didn't ever see myself finishing. Now I am a much happier person. I love who I am becoming, strong and independant. I know that I owe a lot of that feeling to him. He liked me for who I was, and if situations were different, I know he would have loved me for who I was. Just knowing I can have that affect on someone as amazing as him gives me the confidence to acomplish a lot in life. I know he admires me for my acomplishments and I am beginning to see the pride myself. I am kind of seeing someone, I don't know if we have reached that couple status yet, or if we will, but I enjoy spending time with him and it seems he feels the same way. It's nice to have someone to make plans with again, even if it is just as friends with benefits. Friends with benefits don't normally snuggle, but I won't get too wrapped up in that ;)

So plans for the next year or so (realistic plans):

• Make the most of winterguard season and my first winter without school for a while. At the moment I have three options open to me which are actually all possible. Teaching Blessed Sac Open and Acton High School and also marching in the World guard. It would take up ALL of my spare time, but I would be doing something I loved, so maybe that is worth it! We will see. I have a feeling I will end up doing just two of the above, just not sure which two yet
• Get through my 30th birthday and realise that it's not a huge deal. Yes a lot of my friends are settled down, having babies and growing up, but I need to remember that a lot of them are not. And the one who I get the most jealous of is struggling to build a life that he has huge doubts about. If that's what I am jealous of then I definitely have some issues. I may be a late starter, but I will get there. 30 is just a number!
• Get in shape. I know this is a goal that so many people have, but I really want to get in shape and feel good about myself! And I want to do it properly! I want to feel good about my health and the way I look. I need to start eating right and exercise. I know I can. I just need a plan and I need to stop being lazy!
• Go back to school and get my degree from UMass Lowell. I think that by going to a real school that actually has a real program for students like me will make a huge difference. I am detirmind to get my Bachelors of Science in Mathematics with maybe a minor in education. Projected start date right now will be the fall of 2013 but I am also going to see if starting in the spring might be an option. I just need to get my act together and apply!
• Save up some money. I applied for a part time job at Target. Obviously with the schedule I will be keeping if I do all the teaching I plan to do that won't be an option, but I need to figure out a way to make some extra money. Also I need to stop spending so lavishly. I know the summers are usually expensive, and if I'm at rehearsal all day on a weekend I won't be spending, but I need to make a concious effort to save!
• Just enjoy life a little more. I am still so young! I need to stop worrying about what others have and what I feel I am missing. I have a lot to be thankful for and I have achieved things others probably couldn't even dream of! I need to be thankful and proud of that!

And to make this day even better I just got a text telling me there is a chance we might be going to the Sox game tonight!!! This day just got awesome!!! Fingers crossed we can get some tickets.

Here's to a positive outlook and turning my life around for the last three months of 2012 and my last three months of my 20s. No one is going to take this precious time away from me anymore!

Why Do I Do It?

As planned he called me last night. I don't know why I insist on it really, because just like always, I am left feeling crappy the day after. Speaking to him just makes me miss him even more, when after not speaking to him for a week or so I was actually not missing him as much as usual and was doing ok with the lack of contact.

So what did we talk about. Well I found out a lot last night. Here's a run down. Him and his wife did go to Maine on Friday, the trip that him and I were supposed to take. That sent pains shooting through my heart for a moment which felt terrible. I also found out a lot about the way his mind works when it comes to his marriage. Basically he does love his wife but he worries about the amount they have grown apart after only being married for three years. He said they had so much on common when they were young but now he has grown up and she has failed to. He told me she is a pot head which completely blew me away. To be thirty with a kid and still smoke weed makes me so angry. She doesn't deserve a child or a husband who works so hard and wants to build a family with her. He also told me that his father-in-law owns their house and it worries him should his wife ever kick him out. Basically all the suspicions I had of why he stays were true. He is trapped down there. He talked about how he would have no home, he would probably lose his job. He is scared that his wife would take most of his paycheck and that he would be left with nothing. I completely understand how he feels. I lost everything when I got divorced and had to start over. I was 26 when that happened. As of today (it's his birthday) he is 29 and the thought of having to lose everything and start over would scare the crap out of me too, especially as he has so much to lose. He has a house, a job, a kid, a nice truck..... all of that would go out the window. So I understand why he stays. I just wish there was a way for me to make him see that staying for those reasons will never fix things. He will be unhappy for the rest of his life. When things start to go bad you need to save all the time you can. I learned that the hard way and it seems that is how he will learn too. When I told him I was looking to buy a house soon he told me I should wait, rather than being excited for me. I thought this was odd but maybe it's his subconcious telling him that he wishes him and I could start a life together, some cute little beach front fixer upper on the south shore. It would be difficult, but with the way I feel about him, and as happy as I know we would be, money and property would only be small factors in the equation.

But all the time he feels like this I cannot go on breaking my own heart. I want to walk away but there is still that tiny part of me that clings on to the hope that one day he will realise that we were meant to be, and he will have the courage to walk away from a situation that makes him unhappy. But waiting around for that might just kill me. It's time to move on with MY life!

Hopefully this other guy I have started seeing will turn into something. I do like him a lot, although right now I am freaking out about getting close to someone. We have dinner plans tonight but as of right now I haven't heard from him since noon yesterday. Makes me a little worried but I'm sure everything is fine. We have plans and I would hope that he would tell me if anything was up. We will see how things go

I Passed!!!

This weekend I took my motorcycle riding class and test. It was fun, but when we got done yesterday lunch time I was glad that I got to go home.

But let's back up to Friday. Friday night I went over to hang out with the guy I have been seeing and met his son. I was so nervous. I haven't really been around kids that much in my life, so I never really know how to deal with them. What to say, how to say it, what is ok for them to say to me, how I should respond and interact with them etc. Well on Friday I think I did a pretty good job. I got there and he was very shy of course. But soon he warmed a little towards me and within a short time he was telling me all about his Thomas trains. We went out on the roof deck and suddenly one of the trains went over the side. My friend went down to get it, leaving me alone with his son. This was terrifying territory but his son acted like he had known me forever, and instantly I felt an affection towards him. I guess kids just have that affect on people. I instantly stepped in to the caring mother-type role, scared that he was trying to climb on the railings, but laughing at all his crazy antics. Then seeing how him and my friend were as father and son my heart just started to melt. Now I know I need to be careful here, not only could I find myself getting very attached to this guy, but now also his kid, and if I do, I need to be sure I am ready for this. I really don't know if I am but I can definitely feel something happening here. I am just hoping that going with the flow is going to work out for the best. After his son went to bed, we hung out and cuddled and just enjoyed each other. He wanted me to stay over again but I didn't think that was appropriate with his son there, so I went home. But I definitely fell asleep with a warm feeling inside that night.

Saturday morning was an early start. The class started at 7:30 with a brief classroom session followed by some hands on training. I loved it! It was tricky at first, learning how the bike handled and what it felt like to ride, and corner and lose your balance. But I soon felt more at ease and felt like I picked it up pretty fast. After lunch was the classroom session followed by the written test, on which I got 100%. It was an easy test so my perfect score wasn't too much to celebrate.

Saturday night I just hung out at home. I was exhausted! A quick dinner with my roommate and then an early night. Sunday morning I was back up early and out at the class at 7:30 again. Sunday was all practical, with some of the trickier expercises. The one that really threw me off was swerving. Just the sense of losing control made me really nervous. But I think I did ok. Soon it was time for the practical test and although it was the hardest exercises being tested I kept my cool and passed with only 8 points deducted. So I can officially now ride a motorcycle. Now I just need to figure out when and how I am going to get one.

Spent Sunday evening and last night over at his house again. We went to the movies and then out to dinner which was really nice. A good old fashioned date night. No set plans for this week as of right now, but I did say I would make him dinner one night so just need to make plans for that. Probably tomorrow or Wednesday.

What a Weird Feeling

Today is the day we were supposed to be going to Maine. I remember thinking a few weeks ago before all the drama started just how excited I was going to be. But as I said before, it's probably the best thing for the longevity of any kind of friendship between us that we didn't go, even without everything that happened. The way we had been talking right up until he went to Chicago didn't bode well for us being able to control our urges on this trip. So as much as I wish we could have still gone, I'm ok that we didn't. The only thing that bothers me is the thought that maybe he took his wife instead and that him and I haven't spoken since his surprise call Monday night. We did plan not to speak again until this coming Monday so I know I can't get worried, but at the same time I know that he is trying to forget me just like I am trying to forget him, and the fact that he is ok with that breaks my heart.

But I do have someone in my life all of a sudden who is helping me forget. And it has come out of no where. I was speaking to him for a while now and didn't really give him the time of day. How wrong I was. I actually really enjoy spending time with him. We had our second date last night. He made dinner, which was awesome, and we just hung out. We went out for a couple of Murphys and then back to his. Well lets just say I ended up spending the night, and it was so nice waking up next to someone who actually wanted to roll over and cuddle you in the morning. It is a feeling that I have missed for so long now, the feeling of someone actually wanting you, and needing you. He made me feel like that last night, and it was the best I have felt in a very long time. Tonight, however, I am a little nervous. He wants me to come over and meet his four year old son from his previous marriage. I don't really know how I feel about it. Yes, I would definitely like to meet his son and feel like I am becoming a part of his life, but at the same time we have only been on two dates and they were both this week. Plus, I always feel awkward around kids. I have never dated anyone with a kid before and I just don't want to mess up. I want him to like me and I want his kid to like me, but what if he doesn't. If I am going to become a part of his life then I need to be able to bond with his son. Aaagghh just typing this is making me even more nervous. I guess all I can do is go over there and hope for the best. He told me to bribe him with Cheeze Its and Lemonade haha, so I guess that's what I'll do.

This weekend I have my motorcycle class. I'm beyond excited!!! I can't wait to put all the gear on and get on that bike. Just achieving this is going to be a great feeling. It's something I have wanted to do for a while and now I finally am. Let's just hope I pass and can afford a bike one day.

Is This What Healing Feels Like?

I feel good today but that in itself concerns me. I don't know why it concerns me, I wonder if I am concerned for the wrong reasons and, therefore, not actually healing at all. Oh my goodness, that in intself sounds completely messed up.

I haven't spoken to him since Monday and he didn't return my text yesterday. But I feel ok about it. But that concerns me because a huge part of me isn't ready to get over him yet. I want to clutch on to some hope. But I think my sub-concious has maybe finally had enough and made up it's own mind. I'm definitely happy that I feel ok about all this but at the same time I'm terrified it's going to come crashing down. I spoke to my therapist about this last night and she just told me to be assertive and watch out for the warning signs and if I do start to fall apart to catch myself quick and try and limit the damage. I am anxious to see what is going to happen to me if I do crash and burn. I just hope that I can hold it together.

I am seeing this other guy again tonight. He is cooking me dinner at his place. I'm pretty sure I know what he is expecting tonight, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to. I like him, I don't know if I could see anything coming of this but for right now I like him. So I'm kinda just thinking what the hell, I could really do with a nice romantic evening, even if it does stop there, and who's to say it will. Plenty of people sleep together on the SECOND date. At least I resisted on the first. And just because in previous instances after sleeping together things don't seem to go any further doesn't mean that that will happen this time. I guess I will find out. Either way, I am definitely looking forward to tonight. He is a great kisser so hoping that is a sign of what's to come. He makes me feel sexy and wanted and I love that feeling, it's what I have been craving for a long time and unfortunately, up until now, I have only managed to find the feeling of being a sexual object for the men I've dated. None of them have been interested in anything more. But I just have the smallest feeling that this time is different.

Tomorrow is the day we were supposed to go to Maine. I remember thinking about this three weeks ago, imagining how excited I was going to be. It breaks my heart that we aren't going, but in a way, I know it's for the best. Things probably would have happened that shouldn't have and it more than likely would have destroyed our friendship. So that thought is at least a little comforting. I don't really want to think a whole lot more about it so thats all I'm going to say.

So here's to an exciting evening tonight. Just looking forward to this boring work day being over so I can go have some fun, and maybe get a little bit naughty. It's definitely been a while :)

Trying to Move On

I had a date last night. I wasn't really too sure about it. It was a guy who really didn't catch my attention at first. We had just been talking a while so I figured it was about time we hung out. Well last night was definitely a sign that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. He is way better looking in person that in any of the pictures I had seen. And he was really easy to get a long with. That coupled with the fact he is a great kisser had me all won over. We went to a bar near where he lives and had a couple of beers and some food, then we went and got ice cream (my favourite) and then went back to his place to watch a movie. I had sworn off going back to a guy's place on a first date but this just felt comfortable. So we went and watched Ted. We made out and cuddled but that was it. I really wanted to do more and I think he did too but we were good, we behaved. I have decided that if I want anything to ever progress with a guy into more than just a hook up I have to hold back. If they are willing to wait too then they are worth my time. And I guess it worked because, despite the fact I brought it up this morning, we are hanging out again tomorrow and going to a movie at mid-night. I'll have to make sure I get a nap before. After the last mid-night movie I saw I was destroyed the next day. Not to mention that I have a busy weekend ahead.

So maybe this will be something to help distract me for the time being and, who knows, maybe it will turn into something more. We are both in similar situations right now, we are both divorced, although his seems a lot fresher in his mind than mine is. I just need to take a step back and go slow this time. I have a habit of rushing in like a crazy person and destroying anything before it has a chance to start.

Tonight I'm meeting a friend for dinner and then I have a therapy appointment. I'm looking forward to catching up with my friend. It's been a while since it was just the two of us. I'm really good friends with her boyfriend too so it's usually at least the three of us when we hang out. Then I have therapy at 8pm. It will be my second appointment and I do feel better than last week. I know it's probably for the wrong reasons though and any one little thing could send me spiraling back down to that dark place. I am going to mention this to her tonight because I really don't want that to happen. I already feel a little nervous that it may be starting to happen. I let too many of my feelings rely on other people, people that I don't neccessarily trust to treat me right. It's a tricky situation that I know I need to watch out for.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I am going to the movies with this new guy, then Friday I'll need and early night so I'm ready for my motorcycle training at 7:30am on Saturday morning. It's going to be a fun weekend. I'm excited to finally be learning and getting my license. I just home I like it as much as I think I'm going to. Then next weekend I have booked a trip down to Pennsylvania to go the the Buccs home show and then I think the weekend after that is when my Dad is here, I'm not sure if I'm missing a day in there somewhere or not. Anyways, it's helping me to heal a little, although deep down I am still clutching at that small hope, and that's what I really need to come to terms with.

School

I am going back to school again. I know I must be crazy! But I figured I worked so hard over the past two years to just throw that away now. I have 24 credits from LCCC plus what ever I can transfer from home. If I could transfer the full 12 credits from home that would give me 36 credits. Thats only 24 away from my associates degree. If I really knuckled down I could finish it in a year. My roommate was talking to me last night about school. She went to Salem State and also worked in the admissions department. She said there is a bachelors program that takes three years and is only on weekends. I could definitely do that too. It would be tough but I could do it. But I am changing my major. I originally was working on my degree in secondary education focussed on Math. Well I realised that as much as I would love to become a math teacher, the required teacher training and student teaching just isn't an option for me in my current life. So I have decided just to focus on Math. I love Math! I know if thats all I had to do at school I would definitely enjoy classes and getting work done. I can do math any time of day! I don't enjoy writing papers at all. Now I know there aren't a huge list of jobs that spring to mind for someone with a math degree, but I have a job, and although it's not really what I want to do at least it pays the bills. Having a bachelors degree in anything is better than nothing so why not get a degree in something I like doing.

It's too late to apply for this year. FAFSAs had to be completed months ago and school starts in a week. There is no way I can pay for a class myself. Plus I need to figure out where I want to go. The schools closest to me are Salem State and UMass Lowell. I would love to say I am a UMass grad. That has always been an ambition of mine. My roommate, as I said, went to Salem State so she of course has been recommending there. But I am going to check out both. I think I am going to make a start on researching now, even though I can't go for a year or so. I am going to see about getting an appointment with an advisor at both schools and seeing what they recommend. They may say for me to go to a community college to finish my associates before transferring to my four year program. I know its going to be a long journey, but I started it so I may as well finish. I have definitely learned that you can't really get very far in this country without a degree. Also, in Massachusetts, with my bachelors I could get a temporary license to teach math and then have five years to complete my masters. According to my roommate, who works in education, they are crying out for Math teachers in this state. So maybe my dreams of teaching aren't as unatainable as I thought.

Watch this space

And it's Monday Again

What a boring weekend. I basically did nothing. After the drama with my roommate on Friday I changed my motorcycle class back to next weekend so I ended up with absolutely no plans from Friday night onwards. Friday I was hoping for a call from him but of course, nothing. It was ok, I figured he was probably just tired and passed out. It actually didn't bother me as much as usual, maybe a sign that I am finally moving on. Saturday I sat at home like a bum all day. I watched a tv show from the 90s that I never really got into back then but now I'm kind of addicted. Unfortunately they only made one season so after the one episode I have left I would have seen them all. Saturday night I met up with a friend for dinner, a much needed social connection by that point in the day. Did a little grocery shopping and then headed home again for more tv. Sunday pretty much the same deal, tv all day, a quick dinner with my roommate when she got home and then the Olympic closing ceremony. My roommate and I are getting on better now, just a little cautious after last Friday's episode. And finally, around 8:30 last night, he called. We chatted for about 20 minutes. It was nice, he was interested in my day and what I had been up to. We tried to keep the discussion strictly plutonic and succeeded I think for the most part which I was glad of. Of course I missed him as soon as he put the phone down but we have made arrangements to speak again next week and hopefully, this one call a week and almost no texting will be just what I need to be able to move on but keep him in my life on someway. He still doesn't seem completely happy with his life but I am tired of reading into that and trying to tell him it could be better. There are many things that are great about his life, and I think they are what is holding him down there. Some people are content to live their lives that way and if he is then there will never be anything that will change that. But I am not waiting for him anymore. I am going to try and move on and see him purely as nothing more than a great friend who I know deep down will always be there if I need to talk.

So what else is on my mind besides him? Well I am seriously considering moving out. I know I have a sweet deal with my roommate, but the truth is, I miss living on my own. There are problems with my roommate as far as me feeling like a house guest a lot of the time. I want my independance back. Problem is, after paying off all of my debt recently my savings are zero and therefore, no security deposit. I did find one place that I am hoping to go and see tonight where the landlord isn't asking for a deposit, but he also has other people going to look tonight so the fact that I would need to wait at least a month before moving might put him off a bit. I hope he will realise that I would be a great tenant and hold it for me anyway.

Another thing that has been getting to me is my job. It is Monday morning at 9am and I already have nothing to do. I can't work like this. I need something that keeps me busy all the time, something that holds my attention. I have way too many things that my mind starts to wander to when I am not kept busy and that cannot happen. Also I need more money. After being here 2 months now I realise that it's next to impossible to make a living up here on what I earn. I need to find a higher paying job, one I know will keep me busy. I emailed my recruiter this morning to see if he can help me out. I know there are opportunities out there and I think I just need to jump in and take them.

Drum corps is over now and that means winterguard is just around the corner. I am excited for the fall. It's my favourite time of year. I love it as the weather starts to get cooler and colourguard season gets underway. Of course, this is also the time of year I really wish I had someone in my life to do things with. Pumpking picking, walks in the forest, strolls on the beach. Also I will have to deal with the fact that at the beginning of  October I will have been single for an entire year. I think that may well be the longest I have been single since I was 21. I will also have to deal with the fact that he has been back in my life for a year in November and what a crazy year it has been. I almost feel like it was a wasted year, my last of my 20s, and also one of the hardest I have ever been through. But I also truely believe that this year I discovered who I am and that I am worth a damn. Whoever I do eventually meet and fall in love with, and I really hope I do one day, he will value me for who I am and love the person that he is with. Now I just need to let him find me.

So thats where I'm at this morning. I feel ok. I know that my bi-polar tendancies recently could mean that in ten minutes I'll be on the hysterical verge of tears, but I hope that doesn't happen. If I could just continue on from here, deal with everything systematically, and just try and concentrate on the things in my life that I can control then I hope that I am starting to heal. I know there is still a long way to go, and at times it's going to be really tough. But I am still hoping and praying that eventually, I will get there. I will be happy.

Am I a Complete Door Mat?

I have to learn to stop letting people walk all over me all the time! My roommate asked me to watch her dog. I thought she meant next weekend and but she actually meant this weekend. I told her I was going to try and take my class this week instead of next and she flips out on me because then I won't be able to watch her dog for her. I will gladly watch her dog for her once in a while but this has been happening more and more often. The other week she calls me up and says she is leaving for the night and I need to watch her dog. Luckily I had no plans so it was fine. But I just hate the way that when she knows I have no plans she just assumes that I can watch him. It's her dog not mine and the reason she gets so mad is because if I don't watch him she has to pay someone to. Grrrr now I remember why I prefer living on my own!!! I wish I could afford to live on my own. I mean where I live is nice, but there are so many rules that seem to be completely one sided. I pay a decent amount of money to live there each month and I feel like I am just a house guest. I'm pretty sure I pay more than she does considering her family own the house. I am considering finding somewhere new to live. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have someone to talk to in the evenings, but I am starting to discover who she really is. I hate to say this on here because I know I am reacting right now and later I won't feel this way. But I guess at least no one will read this so it's ok. She is a bratt! Money out the wazoo and wastes it on stupid crap! If she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissy. I told her I didn't want to go to the lake this weekend because I wanted to go see my friend and she gets all stand off-ish. I hate to think how she's going to react when I tell her I'm not going to the lake with her and her parents like she asked me to because I'm probably going to PA. Then the whole deal with my dad. I asked my dad to get a hotel while he's here because I didn't think it would be cool for him to stay at ours. Then I realised he could just stay on MY couch in the basement and seeing as she was going to be away that should be fine. But she said no and that he had to stay in my room as those are the rules in the agreement. But yet when her sister came to stay for a WEEK it was fine for her to stay in the office. Sometimes we are both tenants and sometimes it's her house and I live there and it always depends on what works best to her advantage. She knows I'm tight on money and yet she constantly flashes how much she has in my face.

I think it may be time to get back on the search for an apartment of my own. Money may end up being a little tight, but I'd rather that than this. This is going to make me crazy if it continues this way!

Struggling

Ugh I hate this feeling like this. I thought I should blog it out. I have that horrid anxious feeling inside me! Like I need to do something to get him back. I saw the name of the place I lived when him and I first met and I was instantly transported back eight years and found myself heartbroken at what could have so easily been. What was meant to me if only it hadn't have been for circumstances beyond the control of 20 year olds. I need to get on with my life and I don't understand why I can't. I think if only I could just meet someone who would treat me like I know he would have done, make me laugh the way he does, make me feel the way he can. If only I could meet that guy then I would be able to move on from this. The guy in Maine doesn't completely do that, I can tell. Grrrr I am sick of feeling so hopeless, like my life is over and it's too late for me to find happieness. I am exceedingly jealous of the life that he and his wife have together. I know obviously there is issues, but those issues aren't big enough for him to walk away from everything great about his life. She has it pretty sweet too. While I sit here in a job I really don't enjoy, she gets to be the stay at home mom to that adorable baby of his. She doesn't take care of her husband the way I would if I were her. She takes him completely for granted. Sure he has his faults. He sounds like he could be a little moody from time to time, and he works a lot. But he works to further his career so he can support his family. What woman wouldn't be thankful for that?!?! Aaaaggghhh it makes me so angry. I want him! I love him! And I would make him the happiest man in the world!!! I would see to it that my purpose in life from now on out would be to make sure he was never sad or unhappy or angry ever again. And if he ever needed to just crash and burn, I would be there to catch him!

Ok rant over, sorry :(

Part of the Problem

I think I may have figured out a huge part of the problem. I only think about him when I'm alone and bored. When there are people around me and I am having a good time he doesn't even enter my thoughts. Last night I had a great time with friends and I didn't really think about him once, even with babies all over the place, which usually do make me think of him seeing as he has a kid and I would give anything to be the mother of his child. But last night I just really had a good time. I think its the kind of people that are important too. Some of my friends, although they mean well, are in similar situations to me, and they make mind worse but asking me about it and giving their opinions. But my friends last night are just so like me that they know exactly how to take my mind off of it. I also realised just how much I miss my friend from PA who I was up visiting last night. Out of all my friends down there I think the two of us are the most alike and therefore, get on so well when it's just the two of us. I know she doesn't want to stay in PA and I would give anything to get her to move up here. She went to school up here and lived here for a few years after that so she wouldn't be a rookie to New England. She is what I think of as a real New England girl, just like me. I wish she would move up here!

Tonight I am going to watch DCI at the movies with some more great friends. It's going to be tough to make it through all of them though. It's starts at 6:30 and I'm pretty sure it's live. There are 15 groups that we will be watching so thats a lot of drum corps. Not expecting to be out of their much before midnight. He said he would call me tonight. I won't be able to answer and maybe that will get him worried. He's knows I always answer when we make plans to speak. I'll text him the next morning maybe and see if we can chat Sunday. Thats the best day for me although it puts a downer on the whole week, or at least it did this past week. I know I should just cut all contact for a while, but I'm terrified if I do that we will never talk again and I really don't want that to happen. This is a transition I can handle for right now I think.

So excited for my motorcycle training next week. I also want to find some time to go to six flags or something but we will have to wait on that I think. So many things I want to do but money is now kinda tight and the feeling of loneliness doesn't go away. I try and do things on my own but then I'll see a young family and my heart will ache for a moment. I have never wanted a family more than I do right now. I really want nothing more than to have a husband and a baby! That's why giving him up is proving so difficult!

Mid-Week Meh

I never know what to call these posts. Today is Wednesday and despite the fact I was excited to go to Maine tonight, and in a way, still very much am, I have hit that 3pm funk. I have made it through most of the day without thinking about the thing I shouldn't be thinking about too much. Work has been a little busier than normal which is nice for a change. But now everything is caught up and my mind is left to wonder again. I text him again today. I wish I could resist. But just that small connection helps me in the imediate effect but I know it is just delaying the healing process in the long run. I asked if we could talk Friday. I said I had something to ask him but I don't. I need think of something so I don't sound like a crazy person when he calls. He replied and said he couldn't Friday but can tomorrow. I said that was fine, even though it's not. I have plans tomorrow and won't be able to answer. But I'll let him call me. Then I'll just call him back later or the next morning or something. It will buy me a little more time to think of something to ask him. I have a couple of things I would like to say but I don't think I'm brave enough.

So tonight I'm headed up to Maine to see one of my best friends from PA. Oh and my other best friend got the job she wanted today. It's great news for her because it will be the first real job she's ever had. Hopefully it is a step in the right direction for the career that she wants. But yeah I'm headed to Maine after work. And the guy I met the other weekend is coming too. He seems keen to hang out even though he barely knows me and doesn't know my friend at all. So I am hoping that is a good sign, a sign that maybe he is interested in me. As I said a few days ago, after everything that has happened recently I don't know if I'm ready to date anyone yet. But on the other hand, maybe this is exactly what I need to get over him. Who knows. I'm just going to try and go with the flow.

Tomorrow night is DCI in the movies, then Friday and Saturday I'm home alone. Trying to think of some projects at home that I could get on with. I do have housework to do, cleaning etc. Then my roommate has mentioned that she would like to go up to the Lake Saturday night. I really do need to get out but I can't afford the usual crazy drinking fest that we normally go through up there. So maybe I can convince her of a relaxed Saturday night in on the lake, then some jet skiing and swimming Sunday before heading home. As of next week, no plans yet. Next Friday will be the worst I am fearing. That was the day we were supposed to spend together in Maine. Not looking forward to now being in work, thinking about him and his wife up there having the fun that we were supposed to have together. It almost kills me that we just never got a chance! I have therapy again next week too, on Wednesday night. I'm thinking about asking her for something to take the edge off the way I have been feeling. I wake up every morning and I am in the weird place between sleep and awake where I wonder if I am dreaming. Then of course I realise this is real and he really is gone. My heart breaks every day for him, albeit, a little less painful each day. I just wish I could see him one last time even though I know that wouldn't do any good, would only make things harder and set me back even more. I know I can do this, I have done it before. I think the problem is I don't want to. I don't want to let him go.

I hope tonight goes well and we all have a good time. It is just want I need, a night out with good friends. The thought of moving back to PA has been racing through my head. I know I just need to give life a chance up here. Once I get involved in colourguard a little more on the circuit up here I know it will be easier. I just need to stick it out! I have decided I am marching this winter. I'm also going to try and teach the open guard full time. I'm kinda hoping that by doing that they may give me a discount on the World dues. It was around $1000 back in '04 so I can only imagine it must have doubled since then. We shall see. But I am definitely marching. It was why I moved here, and I miss it so much. The thrill of performing makes me happier than anything. It will completely fill my spare time throughout the winter but I don't care. All the time I'm single I might as well do what I want to do with my spare time. The right guy will work around my schedule if he really wants me, and right now, that is the only type of guy I am interested in. I'm going to go out on a good one for my retirement year, and who knows, maybe even a WGI medal.

Therapy

I went to therapy last night. I wish I could say I left feeling great but I didn't. I know it's a slow and painful path I have to travel and to expect an instant fix was silly. I did feel somewhat relieved to talk to someone about everything thats been going on. I wanted to avoid crying but of course as soon as I got in her office I lost it. As soon as anyone asks me what's wrong when I'm feeling like this I lose it. I think sometimes I'm just so desperate to feel that someone cares but then as I am speaking I can't help but feel like I'm just complaining about stupid things that I shouldn't be whining about. But she was nice, she sat and listened and didn't judge. She tried to reassure me that it's ok to still be single at 30 and that a lot of people don't get married until later in life. Also that I should be proud of how far I have come and that it is definitely an achievement. I am planning to go back next Wednesday and then after that maybe every other week. It is definitely nice to know that there is someone out there who I can speak to and even if it's only for an hour a week, I can escape the real world and just get all my emotions out.

I have formed a close friendship with one of the ladies at my work. She is going through a recent separation from her husband of 17 years and she is such a huge support. Yesterday when I pulled into work and saw her car wasn't in the parking lot I was really disappointed. I was glad she was back in today. It's just comforting to know that I'm not alone in my pain and that this happens to other people, and they get through it. I am so envious of the people who never have to experience this but unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that apart from fight the feeling of jealousy and try and rationalise my feelings. I go through stages daily right now. One moment I am completely fine and the next I feel like my heart is falling out of my chest! It's the worst feeling ever. I text him this morning. I really didn't want to but I couldn't resist. I didn't get a reply and I pretty much expected that's how it would be. I don't even want to think about it right now.

This weekend is going to be tough. I have no plans at all. I was hoping to be going to a birthday party Sunday but my roommate and her friend don't want to go so I'm not going either. My roommate has class on Saturday and not sure what her plans for Sunday are. Hoping so bad that they want to do something. I'd really like to go to the beach but going on my own just really isn't fun. Tonight I have no plans but tomorrow night I am planning to go up to Maine to see my friend from PA who is up there with her family right now. Also while I am there I am hoping to meet up with the guy I met last weekend. He is really nice. After everything that has happened this week I don't know if I'm ready to feel anything for anyone yet but I do like spending time with him. It may be just what I need. Then Thursday is DCI quarter-finals at the movies. I'm going with a couple of friends so that will be a nice distraction.

I just want this feeling to pass now. I want to feel ok. I want to smile and not have everything somehow remind me of him. I miss him so much, the feeling is almost unbarable right now. The thought of doing anything, even anything as trivial as going to the store, doesn't even bare thinking about. What the hell is wrong with me!!!!!

An Almost Perfect Weekend

This weekend was amazing!!! Coming back here was way more difficult than I even imagined it would be. I got on the road early Thursday thanks to my boss letting me out at 2:30, and with the new route Mom and Dad showed me I was in Allentown dead on 8pm. I made it to Parkland just in time for the end of rehearsal and to catch up with the 2012 seniors. It was great seeing them all again, almost felt as if I had never left. Then home to hang out with the two best friends a girl could ask for. Being away from them for the last two months just made ma appreciate them even more!

Friday I went and got my hair done. My stylist in PA is amazing and I love what she did. I wish I could find someone up here nearly half as good for the crazy low price she charges me. Then I went up and hung out with the Northern Lehigh Bulldog Band for a while. Again, it was great to see all the kids and see them working hard again this year. I am a little concerned that there is no one to help out the colourguard so I need to get to work and try and find someone to help them out. I have a few idea, just need to know I can count on them to do a good job for the girls up there. They all love colourguard so much and in a town like Slatington there really is nothing else for them to do. After that I headed down to hang out at the pool with Mom. It was so relaxing. I miss them a lot. We spent some time catching up and I started to realise just how much I had missed in the last couple of months. After that we headed over to the show. Friday night is always the smaller night at DCI East but there were some great performances, including Phantom Regiment who blew me away!

Saturday was chilled out to start but then I headed over to the NJA clinic for the afternoon. I would like to hopefully judge a couple of shows for them. I will have to see if my schedule permits. But it was so good to catch up with so many friends! Again, making me start to regret moving. Then back over to J Birney Crum for the second night of DCI awesomeness. Some of my favs for the night were Crossmen, Blue Stars, Madison and of course Cadets. All had great shows and I loved every second. Saturday night was, however, somewhat over shadowed. He was supposed to call Saturday night, and of course, he didn't. He did text me but only after I text him. It felt like he had just completely moved on and was just cutting me out, even though he promised he never would. I kinda wish I had been strong enough not to even chase him.

Sunday morning breakfast was its usual amzingness. So yummy! Then after a quick crazy cone I got on the road back to Mass. I had somewhat of a heavy heart, but at the same time I knew I also had great friends. No matter what was going on I would be ok. After a couple of hours of driving and mindless thinking I came to the conclusion that I was mad at him, and that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Then what happens, just as I finish my rant to myself, my phone rings and there he is. We spoke for about 20 mins. He just said that everything is ok with his wife but that our friendship is going to change. He needs distance from me. He cancelled our trip to Maine and then drove the dagger in even deeper by telling me he might take his wife instead. It just about broke my heart. I just got the impression that despite the fact he said we would stay in touch, this was his way of ending our friendship and any relationship that we had.

So I really don't know how I am feeling right now. I know this is what has to happen, and I think for the first time I may just be ready. But I can't help the tiny voice inside me that is telling me not to give up on him, and that it's worth fighting for. But I can't do this anymore. It's killing me. I gave up on him once and he found me again after eight years apart. If him and I really are meant to be together then we will be. I'm just tired of forcing it. I really value his friendship but I know that deep down it's more than that and all the time I hold on to that I am never going to heal. I want to see him one last time and tell him how I feel to his face. Let him see me walk away and know that he blew his last chance with me. If he is able to watch me walk away then I will be free to heal knowing that he doesn't want me enough to change right now, and maybe he just never will, but at least this way I won't be left waiting forever!

I am going to go and see a shrink. I called this morning about an apointment but they didn't get back to me yet. I will call again in a little while. I think I need it. For the first time in my life I am scared of myself. I have had suicidal thought before but never really seriously. This time I really do feel that I could pose a danger to myself and that scares me terribly! So I am going to go see someone. We will see what happens I guess.

Right now I am numb. I need to keep busy and keep my mind active, and above all avoid contacting him. I have thought about deleting all traces of his number from my phone but I want to speak to him one last time, even though I know thats probably not a smart move. I just hate feeling so torn. I desperately want to heal and move on but I also don't want to let him go. This is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life!

Today is my Friday

And boy am I glad! I just want to get in my car and get away for the weekend! I need a break from life. I love living in Mass but I am pretty excited to get back to the slower relaxed pace of Pannsylvania and the life I had down there. Don't get me wrong, I am so pleased I moved up here. My life was going no where fast living down there. All I did was work and go home. I made terrible money and barely scraped by. I had no opportunity to do anything apart from work and colourguard. Since moving up here I haven't sat still. I have been all over New England, having adventures and meeting new people. But I am looking forward to seeing some old friendly faces. That is the hardest thing about living up here. I feel like the closest I have to family over here all live in Pennsylvania and to see them this weekend is going to be similar to the feeling most people get when they go back to the town where they grew up. I know Allentown is not my home, but I spent over 2 years living there and made a lot of memories. Nothing major happened in my life while I was there, but it was a recovery period that I needed after my marriage and it served as exactly what it needed to be. I didn't realise it at the time, but I recovered a lot while I was living there, and for that reason, it will always feel somewhat like home.

I paid off all my credit cards today. It was scarey to see all the numbers on paper. I am now left with less than $200 in my savings account! I pray nothing happens that means I need to spend any large sums of money. On the other hand, my credit cards are now completely paid off. I need to budget for some thrifty weeks ahead. No more blowing vast sums of money on drinking on the weekends. That needs to stop now! And I need to cut back on the amount I eat out! It has been getting out of hand. Before I moved I survived on sometimes as little as $150 a week, with around $50 of that going on gas. Now, unless I take a trip on the weekend, my a single tank of gas, costing around $40 can last me nearly 2 weeks. On top of that my weekly budget is currently around $260. So in theory, I should be a lot better off. But the security of having more money led me to spend a lot more, and I have been finding that I am running out just as fast. I need to put a stop to that! After this weekend away I am cutting my spending budget, to include gas and food, to $200. This will mean I am able to put away around $200 a month to help get my savings account back up and looking a little healthier. But it means I need to reconsider my budget and cut back on the drinking, eating out and expensive coffees in the morning. If I could survive on so little before I moved here I can do it again, and I should still be able to enjoy myself once in a while, just not every day like I have recently.

I know I can't go without mentioning how I am feeling about him today. I know I am feeling better but it's because of the prospect of a weekend away, distractions and that I should get to talk to him in less than two days. I hope its not just a quick conversation but that we actually get to talk and get our friendship back on track. Thats all I want!!! I don't want a relationship with him all the time he is a married man, and I also don't want to come between him and his wife. I just want to speak to, and occasionally, spend time with my friend, someone who I feel comfortable talking to about anything and who, up until recently, thought would always be there for me no matter what. I think he still is that person deep down, but that he needs some time to fix something pretty major in his life. If he thinks that his and my friendship puts his marriage in jeapody then I will regretfully step away and leave him be, I just desperately hope it doesn't come to that, and I also really REALLY hope we can still take the trip we were planning to Maine in a couple of weeks. Only time will tell and hopefully our converstation on Saturday will help things become a little clearer.

So just a few more hours and I'm out of here for the weekend. I cannot wait!! Actually even looking forward to the drive believe it or not. It's about 6 hours give or take and I am going to be leaving in rush hour so I really hope it isn't too busy. I am just going to cruise with my windows open and some music playing and enjoy the scenery along the way. Trying out a different route once I'm through Connecticut so we will see how it works out.

Anyways, best get back to work. I sometimes feel like I could write forever on this thing. Odd considering I'm pretty sure no one will ever read it, maybe thats why I find it so easy to lay it all out in the open here.